NAKED

Another lonely night. Surrounded by darkness and assignments.

I can't hold it anymore.

These days have been really dark and tough. There were so much going on. I can only say that this year will be the worst year I had in my life. I am not sure if it ever gets better, or it may get worse.

I can't tell how lost I am now.
I get tired of assignments after been through so many of them.
I get tired of taking responsibility that I don't even should.
I get tired of changing myself to make people happy.
I get tired of holding back my word just to avoid fights.

I sometimes wonder is it good that I know a little more than some people. It makes me have no one to depend on. I wish to have somebody to tell me what to do or have someone to do something for me. I get tired of taking so much responsibility, not only in studies. I hate myself for wanted to be so strong that I make my own life miserable. I have no way to go back how I used to be. And god does not allow me to be any weaker too.

Why would everything happened now happens.

Tell me how could I ever believe such a strong, kind, sweet lady deserve that. She is the strongest person I ever met in life. She worked hard, she gave up so much just to raise us up. Everything she did was just to give us something better.

And now I am not even sure if she ever get a chance to watch me graduate.

It breaks my heart to watch her getting more and more skinny. To listen her voice getting weaker and weaker. I hate that I would have to be the one to tell her the ugly truth when myself is hard to accept it too. I hate that I know what is really happening and I can't do anything.

I wish I can take the pain away.

I can't accept the fact that few months ago she would still yelled at me and now she gets tired simply talking to me. How can everything change so drastically.

If I pray that she don't leave us so soon, will god ever heard it.

Assignments. I have nothing much to say but I am exhausted with it. I can't force myself to do anymore after staying up late for countless nights to do my assignment. No one to blame for this but I am tired.

I used to be only good in studies and now I ruined it too. I am good in nothing now. Useless and meaningless is all I can say about myself now.

I know I am not alone. But there are sadness and darkness that they can't help.

All I can do now is to hold a little longer, stay a little stronger, waiting for the savior, to save me from my darkness.