So my first final in college life started today.
I am not sure I am over-stressed like everyone said about me or I am not pushing myself to the limit yet like what I am thinking. It is always about the words. People around me always say that I cared too much about what people think of me. Well, it is said by other again. People don't really know how their words haunt me.
Well, not all words are mean or negative. Some are positive. Like "I believe you can do it" and etc. I am not sure if I am thinking too much, being a little too negative or it is just true. Not every positive words said to you are really positive, some of them are just negatively positive. Perhaps you don't know what do I mean by negatively positive, so I am explaining to you.
Well, I believe you could understand.
Uh huh, that is it. People told you that they believe you and expect you could do it. And by that, they are actually telling you that you are a loser if you can't do it. Can you understand the stress? And maybe a deeper and uglier truth, some are actually waiting for you to be a loser.
That is the fact. No matter how good you are, there will be haters.
And people like me, we don't take failure. I won't let myself to be a loser as people wanted and wished.
Even if I actually do not care that much about what those people expecting from me, like good results.
Yeap, I can be proud to say I am considered as a good student for all these year if you are talking about academic. At this moment, I believe some might thought that it is the family pressure. Or think that I am those so called kiasu people who want to be better than everyone in everything.
Well, the first thought I mention is definitely not true. My family never pressure me on studies. My parents never force me on it. They care less about academic but high expectation in behavior. And I totally did it oppositely.
The second thoughts about I am kiasu, maybe it is true. I want to be better in everything. I think be better in everything is different than be better than anyone in everything. There is difference which I am not sure if you can get it. I don't think I am born to be kiasu but somehow the environment change me. This is what I was talking about, the words and the people. The truth is, I am actually lots more not competitive than what people thought I am now. In my previous study life, no much people really take me as a competent. But when people start a competition, I don't let myself lose unless I know that person is really good. Until I feel like no matter how much I sacrifice I will still lose.
It is like people expect me to eat more than him or her. I don't really want to eat, but because people expect me to eat, I eat.
I am a slave of words.
So I finally had my conclusion.
I am a slave of words.
I din't know how to describe my attitude until I write that few seconds ago.
Anyway, I don't mind being slave of words. Who cares what will brings me up there.
There are millions ways of success, words is just one of them and it is not even bad.
