Mom.

It has been almost a month since she left. I am now backed to my normal life. Studying, working and breathing. Yes, I am breathing, but do I really live? I don't know. I don't get excited; I don't feel happy or sad. Every day is just a day, not a happy nor a sad day. Everything is just normal. I wouldn't feel nervous and stress even when the unexpected happens.

Everything seems like nothing happen. One thing that I have prepared is that everything will be back to normal but things will never be the same because what I have lost is still a loss. It may not affect my life, but as if my life is a box, her leaving will not make this box smaller or incomplete, but it will leaves a hole inside.

Yes, emptiness.

People would thought that I will cry to sleep but no, I didn’t cry as crazy as people thought I will. I would even say I haven't really cried after she left. I have tears in my eyes, sometimes. However, it is just hard for me to burst into tears. I cry the least of those who people expect to cry a lot. I wonder does that make me look cruel. I worked the next day right after we settled everything. Some say I stand up quick, but I wonder if I really fall.

Everything is just too fine for a person who had just lost her mother, until one day, when I was having high fever after work.

I seldom got sick. The last time I got high fever was probably few years ago, when I am at home with her taking care of me. And then finally I was sick, being too tired after a few busy weeks with no proper break. I was lying on the beanie bag I bought the night before she passed away, with my aching body, bones and skin. Yes, I finally realised how much I missed her. I never said that I don’t miss her. It was just even myself don’t know how much I missed her. If she would still here, she would be freaking out for my high fever, forcing me to drink water, doing anything and everything to cool down my temperature. However, she is just so far away now. She would not come back anymore. Being sick reminds me so much of her. I remembered few years ago when I was sick too, I was feeling so tired that I could not even feed myself. I remembered clearly how she fed me, cooling the food before she put it into my mouth. She was such a caring mother.

I recovered from high fever after sleeping for half day, but somehow she stayed in my minds. I haven’t missed her so badly before. Every day I think of her. Wash my tears away when I am in the shower.

I know I just can’t wait any longer to blog about her. I need to remember every details of her before I forget more.

Strong is the best word to describe about her, or reading her story of life would best explain the meaning of strong.

She was born in a huge family with two sisters and four brothers. She was not the eldest but that didn’t make her dependant. She lost her father at the age of 6. She faced it with courage. “I am not afraid, I still have my mother” is what she said when people ask about her loss. She was naughty, yet smart. That is one of the best thing she inherited to me. We are both evil. When she was young, she did a lot of tricks to prank people. Filling up people’s shoes with rocks. Buying ice cream and threw it to the dog when she was almost getting caught.

I am so much like her, not only appearance but my personality too. I pranked my brother too when I was young.

She grew up in a hardship where she was forced to give up her education when she was form 2. She can do really well in academic. However, the poverty of the family would have to make them wake up in the midnight going to estate to work and go to school after that. She could not concentrate in class and in the end she gave up.

She worked various type of job after that. She went far away from home too. I guessed that is probably when she met my dad. They were married when my dad was 22 and she was 20. They had my brother but things were hard. Both of them worked very hard but the financial of the family was always bad. She went through the days where she had no money to buy milk powder for the children. It was just a very hard time but she went through it. She could have just leave, but she chose to stay for the children.

A mom will always do anything for her children, never doubts that.

Days by days, their hard work paid off. They had their own shoes factory, it was not big, but it is enough to get us a better life. I am lucky to born at that time. I didn’t have to suffer as much as my brother and sister. I got the toys they always wanted but they never have it in their childhood. I used to be very close to my dad when I was younger because mom is always a fierce person. She disciplined us well, but I was too young to understand that.

The good things didn’t last long, mom shut down the factory because it was too stress. Mom was clever that she used to money we got after selling the factory to buy the house we have now. She always had a plan.

They worked really hard afterwards to pay the bills and grew us up. When I was form 2, it was the first time she was in serious illness. She was admitted into hospital for anaemia and diagnosed with a huge tumour in her uterus during that time. She was too weak to carry out the operation at that time in order to cut off the tumour so it was carried out a few months later. That was that first time I almost lost her. I cried a lot because I was so young and I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t even see that coming.

I thought she had gone through so much, it will be the time for her to enjoy after that.

Things were not any better, still. She still had to work to get my sister to college. I was still a burden as I was still in secondary school. She was much weaker after the operation; she could not work over time anymore. Our family income was greatly reduce, she save every penny to give us what we want.

She was given regular check-up after that operation. Each year she will be diagnosed with another small tumour in her breast, high blood pressure and other problem, but luckily these were not harmful and we changed our life style to keep all the numbers good and healthy. She successfully got my sister graduated with degree from UK, paid the loan for the house, my brother was married and she got her first grandson. I have seen her went through so much, I decided to give her freedom.

I came to college on my own, not just to prove that I can be independent. The intention I did it was because I wanted to give my parent a chance to do what they want. They spend their whole life for us. They are getting older. I want them to enjoy their life.

I thought things will go the way I wanted, but it never. I would say it broke my heart a lot.

Mom was start to sick when I was just in semester 2. I didn’t go home often because of tight schedule and all sort of things. In November, she was confirmed with cancer at the third stage in Serdang hospital. In Dicember, we went to Hospital Kuala Lumpur and the oncologist told us it was the fourth stage.

She was constantly vomiting, getting skinnier, slowly unable to consume food at that time. She started her chemotherapy in the end of Dicember. She was still getting worse and the side effects from the chemotherapy. We were just holding still. It is suffering to see her suffer from the side effects, but we knew it is the hope if she ever made through it.

February was the Chinese New Year. It was a strange new year because our grandma pass away few days before it and mom was too weak to celebrate. We spend it like an off from job and school. Her chemotherapy was stopped by the doctor after 3 sessions.

In March, we all know she would not last for very long. The week before she leave, it was just so worst. We all stayed at home. I watched her suffered. Vomit, unable to eat at all, unable to move… and the last few days she lost her conscious. She didn’t know where she was, she kept looking for us, asking us to hug her. She was leaving the last words for us while she still can.

In the morning of 12^th March 2014, I watched her left us. I watch her last breath.

Was it pain? Yes it is.
I wish she could stay a little longer, but I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I wish she could celebrate another 10 years birthdays, new years with me. I wish she could still travel to Cameron Highland together with us which she planned before she was sick. There are many things we can do if she is still here…but she is not.

These are my selfish thoughts, but watching her suffer, I rather her to leave. Ever since I knew about her sickness, seeing her getting worse, all I did is just to believe God will do what is best for her. Perhaps here is not the place where it could give her happiness that is why God took her away.
Wherever she is, I wish her happy.

Wherever she go, she stays in my heart, love and memories.

Dear mom,

I wrote a letter to you before you leave, asking you not to give up and stay strong. It is okay, I knew you tried your best. Don’t be sorry. You did your best for us. Thank you, for who you made me into, and who you became in my life. You will always be the most important person in my life. You are the strongest person I ever met. All the hardships and you never give up. Thank you. Thank you for being my greatest mom. If I ever have a chance, I wish you will be my daughter next time, and I will love you the way you loved me. I promised you to be strong and be someone you did be proud of if you are still here.

Thank you.

Rest in peace, you will be missed, my one and only, the strongest, greatest, and lovely mom.