I know I haven't blog for awhile. Okay, maybe not just awhile and my last post was pretty emotional. But I am fine now, more than just fine. Life has been... empty for the past 6 days since I quit my job. Been filling my emptiness by playing "flow free" and I am done with the 300levels yesterday. I cheated a few level wby watching walkthrough for the first few step, 14X14 is really hard. I will never be used to free time, I found myself happiest in the days that I was really really busy. I want to accomplish something before I go to bed everyday. Sense of accomplishment is always a big part of my life. It makes me proud of myself.
Many may have notice that I have very low confident for myself, I felt that I am never good enough, especially when I am always surrounded by people who are more outstanding than me in all different kind of aspects. I am not smarter nor talented than others. I can get a good result, but never good enough to be the best. I can draw, but never looks prettier than others. All these time I was living in shadow, people always pay attentions at people around me more than me. I was always wondering, how good I need to be till they can see me.I also have a really excellent sister that she is really smart, probably most talented person in art I ever know, always more independent than me, able to make decision without unnecessary doubts and worries like me. In the deep of my heart is really impress by all the good things about her, but it eventually lower my confident for myself.
Maybe I underestimate myself a little bit. Maybe I am slightly better than I thought who I am.
Don't take the following words in a wrong way, but I just have this thoughts about sharing what I have done recently.
So after I got my SPM result which is consider as good, I considered about other university or college instead of my first choice because people tell to me reconsider. People suggest that I can go somewhere better. I thought about it and I decided to stick with my original plan. I realized that what is better does not mean it is the best for me. I chose my own path.
I rented a room around my college, pay the deposit and rental fees with my own money. I din't have enough cash, I borrowed but I promised to return. I was broken, I ran out of cash but I was really happy to receive the keys. I know it is not my property yet, but at least I am not depending on anyone to get myself a place to sleep.
I went to college for a second time and listen to the lecture again. My first consult for the course I am taking was not clear enough. This time, I understood more about what I will be doing in my future. It sounds harder when I know more, but I am not afraid. I am ready to take challenges. I handed up my application form on that day, and waited for the confirmation message.
I could not wait for any longer, I go on their website to check my status last night. I was accepted, with scholarship, my first choice program. I was grateful. I can feel that my life is really on the right path, it can't go wrong. I received the message this morning, feeling silly for myself could wait for another night, but it does not matter.
Not sure if people know or even care, I am not born in a well educated family, both of my parent don't even own a PMR certificate. That is something usual at their young times. I can even say that my father could not even write A-Z. Going to college or university is something they never thought of until few years ago when my sister wanted to. The society nowadays will not hire someone with only SPM qualification when nearly everyone have something better than that. My sister is smart, she knows that well. She struggled to get a higher education, I seen everything. Ever since that, I know I gotta save up all my money and study really hard to get myself there, in college.
So all these year, I would never simply spend my red packets money so that today, I will not have to ask for money to buy my laptop or pay my rental. How many of you will understand how hard I tried to achieve that and how much I have gave up so that I can finally come to this level.
It was not easy. I could have buy a guitar I used to love with those money, drink Starbucks every time I went out, buying all the clothes I like. I did non of those. All my clothes can only fill up half of a small closet and I wear my clothes until they were torn. I gave up on my interests. I will only allow myself to eat or drink something expensive when I think I deserve it. I think I tried really hard, maybe still not harder than other, but I think I did the best I could.
Coming to the new stage of life, I understand that I have to push myself even harder. Nothing will be the same or any simple. I am ready to learn and if I really have to push myself to the limit, I don't mind. I am ready to breakthrough myself. I know I can't be the little protected girl at home anymore, I will learn to be independent. I will learn to do things alone.
Today, I did my banking all by my own. It was stressful, I was so worried that if anything goes wrong, I know my mother will probably screw me up as she taught me twice. Luckily everything is fine. And tonight, I decided to treat my parent a dinner. I promised them when I got my result. I brought them to Secret Recipe, they was surprised by the price range because they usually would not spend that much for a dinner except something special happened. The dinner cost me around RM80 but I am proud of myself. I pay with joy. I know that RM80 is not enough to return what my parent gave me. They have done much more than that. But I will take every single chances to thank my parent for what they have done for me, even with my limited ability. I want to do everything I can, whether with my limited ability or not. Life is too short to wait.
After all, I just want to say, I am proud of myself today. Growing up is never something bitter. Kids have their simple happiness, but growing up and solving problem give us another form of happiness which is sense of accomplishment. Don't be afraid to grow up or push yourself across the line, you don't know what is waiting for you.
