Diploma 的两年

好久没有写部落格 也不知不觉走到接近diploma 毕业的日子 转眼就两年了 还记得Year 1 的我还会常常写部落格 现在的我话都不多说了

今天也想破例一次好好说说心底话 说说这两年的变化

不到今天我还真没预料我会有这些变化。

1. 回想第一次做assignment.
记得year 1 sem 1 的我多么看重学业 为了追求完美 却依然愿意一夜不睡把已经完成的assignment 改到我想要的成果 后来的我们都开始last minute 的坏习惯 开始有了固定的组员 而大家都很有共识的知道我们不到最后关头都不开始 也许已经是种让人受不了默契 开始有了开turbo 可盈神功 这些词语

回头一望 好像没办法再过一起颓废一起紧张一起因为来不及而发疯的日子了。

请好好珍惜这些一起做Assignment 的战友 在一个组里 每个人的能力都不一样 不要老是要求大家奉献的成分一样多 或许你花50%的力气就可以完成70% 功课 而有的人花了100% 却也只能奉献10% 这是个公平和公正的争执 而结果在每个人心中都不一样 与其思考自己的成果在assignment 里占据了多少 不如想想你的战友花了多少力气去承担他们的责任

还能一起打拼的机会不多 一份assignment 如果你得到的收获只有分数 那你失败了 因为group assignment 存在的意义也是让你学会团队精神

2. 回想第一次考final
事情依然发生在year 1 sem 1 那是我最傻的时候 明明老师给了tips 我不看 背了一夜把所有lecture 背完 到最后却拿了个B 为什么我傻呢 因为大家都看了tips 后来我再也不坚持这些无谓的原则 我不是鼓励大家看tips 因为我也尝试过tips 完全不准的时候

有的时候你尽了全力 有捷径你是可以走的 毕竟也有一句名言study smart, don't study hard 你可以相信tips 但你要确保自己在tips 完全不准确的情况下你还是有能力作答 tips是个alternative 是个possibility 这条捷径在的时候你可以走 不在的时候你还是得跑完 没有多少人会因为你走了远路来到目的地而称赞你 大家看得都只是你用什么成绩到目的地

3. 回想第一次打工
这个有些不一样 发生在第一个sem break 当初的我为了第一份promoter 薪水感到自豪 发现原来站一天并没有想象中辛苦 两年以后我也开始对做part time 感到麻木 拿到薪水不再喜悦 不过说到这一点 我倒是有点责怪自己

这靠自己的两年里让我养成了一个习惯 现在的我再也不习惯假期 每当假期来临 心里头就有好多罪恶感 怎么我没去工作 有的人告诉我 我把自己逼得太紧其实我可以依靠别人 可是我却从来没有克服过这内心的罪恶感 我坚持相信今天的执着会在以后派上用场

在这里 我想说 想靠自己读书是好事 但永远不要忘记你真正的身份 一份工作永远不能比你的学业重要 你打工为了供自己读书 但因为打工而没有读到书 那你的一切努力都会徒劳无功 时间分配很重要 要紧记什么东西最重要 要知道什么是priority

4.回想起两年里的朋友
我很庆幸自己的家离学校不远 也很庆幸我在KL 读书 虽然我承认因为这一点我们的诱惑很多 在这里聚集了好多离乡背井的同学 有的来自Sabah JB 还有很多不同的地方 他们和我不一样 我一个小时车程就到了最温暖的家 而他们有的搭飞机 有的就要坐上几个小时的车程 在这里我们都是独行侠 没有家人的陪伴 我们没能每天回家吃晚餐 两年里我们建立了友情 在这孤独的城市里 我们就是对方的家人 一起吃饭 一起上学 一起到处走

而我应该一辈子都不会忘记DQS J 每天上完课总要站半个小时以上 才能决定去哪里吃饭 这些颓废但美好的日子
还有已经消失甚至也许已经被遗忘的神马家族 我知道这神马家族没了 但请好好记着我们最疯狂最颓废的时光

我们来自不同城市 不同背景 不同姓氏 但在一个无依无靠的城市里 我们可以选择过得没那么孤独 在college 遇见的这些朋友 毕业后就会各自纷飞 在有机会的时候 请好好累计回忆 请努力寻找那些关系好到可以每天一起吃饭的朋友 这些友情很珍贵 而我不曾后悔跟你们一起颓废的时光

其实毕业前夕提到分离 鼻子酸酸的 眼眶也湿了 我们都是幸运儿 都刚好一堆疯子被放在同一班

 5. 这个献给一个很特别的人——知道的人会知道你是谁
谢谢我们一年的时光 我们的结局或许是别人口中的悲剧 我也可能已经是大家口中的罪人 大家都会觉得我因为遇到条件更好的而离开你 我没有办法否认 因为这段时间确实有这些人出现 我一直没有很明确的说明 但这一次我想争取一次澄清的机会

我不是个好女孩 这一点我非常清楚 我也不怕坦白说我的过去复杂 脾气也不好 也因为任性闯过很多祸 而我最大的缺点是我现实 现实的女孩在大家脑海里 以为着我会因为钱而离开你 我用钱来衡量一个人 但我想说 我现实是我清楚知道 我对未来的贪恋 和生活上的阻碍 我有很多物质要求 可是你应该会知道我从不对别人要求 我要的不只是拥有物质 而是自己有能力拥有 对你的现实 是我清楚知道我们的理念和个性的不合 我个性太急 而这样的我只会变成你的压力是我自私 把自己的目标看得太重 所以没办法继续和你一起走下去 其实我很欣慰 我的离开 我给你的伤害 你仿佛开始改变了

遗憾是我无法耐心和你一起成长 看着你改变 陪着你变老
请你以后要好好学会对自己好 你是会分对错的人 只是会分之后还要实现  知道是对的就要去做 清楚是错的就要去改  请好好照顾自己的健康 你可以比现在过得更好 甚至是很好
你是个很好的男孩 你对我的细心 钟爱 生活上每一个小细节 那些我都会好好记住

过得比我更好 是我给你最大的祝福

两年的磨练 我变得沉默寡言 现在的我不再轻易有情绪波动 已经不知道除了失去重要的人之外还有什么事情能让我哭 也不知道要多大的喜事让我兴奋 别人要犯多大的错我才会生气 我不是变得铁石心肠 也不是冷血无情 而是经历多了 学会凡事都要冷静地思考

看见的世界大了 眼前的事物就小 如果是小事就别让慌张激动影响你的判断
Don't freak out for small matter because there are a lot bigger coming.

都会过去。

长大后才发现 一年真的很快过去 时间会匆匆地溜走
但无论怎么消失
逝去的 失去的 过去的 总会留下痕迹

一年里，不曾经历的生老病死 经历了三次 。曾经以为癌症是戏里才会发生的事。它却无声无息忽然发生在我最亲的人身上。也许俗语没有错，人生就是一场戏。事情过了很久，数一数也将近9个月。9个月让我明白，真的重要的人，逝去后，时间不会让你忘记她，反而会用很多不同的方式提醒着你这段回忆的存在。

再痛的伤口，依旧会有复原的一天。你不会忘记你是怎么受伤的。你不会忘记受伤前你是好好的。你不会忘记受伤时有多疼。

没有人应该逼谁忘记，但我们总会明白，都过去了，都会过去的。

回想2013 的12月，曾经疯狂的神马家。散了。
不怪谁。友情走到终点，这种事情也许到老都还发生着。感情这回事，很多时候不是没了，而是回不去了。有的时候不是不能回去，而是没有必要再去。不再是好朋友不代表我讨厌你，只是时间证明了我不需要再和你疯狂。值得挽留的，我也努力过。或许我不是你们喜欢的那种人。

鸟要飞，树怎么挽留。人要走，我怎么不放手。

景物依旧 人事已非

人来了就走 就如我在别人生命中
过客如阵风
夏天他来你凉
冬天他来你寒
酸甜苦辣始有终
烙印只在脑海中

最后一份生日礼物

至 我永远最爱的母亲

妈咪 生日快乐

世上没有任何词语可以形容你在我心中的形象与分量。你坚强，你美丽，你能干，你伟大。你一定不知道你对我们的爱让你变得多么漂亮。

这是我们的第18年。这18年里，你为我付出的，一定远远超过我能看见的，因为我知道妈妈一定是最爱我的人。妈妈，谢谢你。谢谢你为我们付出的。谢谢你对我们无尽的爱。谢谢你为我们奉献的岁月。谢谢你为我们牺牲的自由和青春。谢谢你为我们撑过了无数的难过和难关。谢谢你把我们养育成人。谢谢你辛苦工作这么多年还要照顾我们教育我们。我不会忘记我生病时你无微不至的照顾。谢谢你总是为我们着想。

我知道你为我们做的一定还有很多。

所以即使是千万句谢谢也不足够。

我知道现在的你一定很辛苦，一定是你最难过的时候。对不起我没能在你身边。请相信我真的很想陪你熬过每一刻的煎熬。

可是对不起，我没做到，对不起。

妈妈，我想告诉你

无论贫穷疾病，我永远爱你。

我无法阻止事情的发生，但我不会停止我对你的爱。

我无法把你从痛苦中拯救出来，但我不会让你孤独面对。

会发生的终究会发生，我们没办法改变事情，但我们可以改变态度。

请你再为了我们为了自己坚强下去。

我也会为了你而努力。我会学习独立，我会加倍勤劳。我一定会让你看见我成功。

我们一起加油。我们还有很多事情要一起做。

我们一定要加油，我还有很多生日要你帮我庆祝，你还有很多生日要我陪你过。

妈妈 生日快乐

我爱你

永无止尽地爱你

2.18 a.m. 23.12.2013

--就那么一个不小心找到了给妈妈的最后一份生日礼物 更不小心找到妈妈生病时的日记

很多事情会变成过去 很多人会变成回忆 思念会随着时间加剧 只想努力保持心中那份感情

Mom.

It has been almost a month since she left. I am now backed to my normal life. Studying, working and breathing. Yes, I am breathing, but do I really live? I don't know. I don't get excited; I don't feel happy or sad. Every day is just a day, not a happy nor a sad day. Everything is just normal. I wouldn't feel nervous and stress even when the unexpected happens.

Everything seems like nothing happen. One thing that I have prepared is that everything will be back to normal but things will never be the same because what I have lost is still a loss. It may not affect my life, but as if my life is a box, her leaving will not make this box smaller or incomplete, but it will leaves a hole inside.

Yes, emptiness.

People would thought that I will cry to sleep but no, I didn’t cry as crazy as people thought I will. I would even say I haven't really cried after she left. I have tears in my eyes, sometimes. However, it is just hard for me to burst into tears. I cry the least of those who people expect to cry a lot. I wonder does that make me look cruel. I worked the next day right after we settled everything. Some say I stand up quick, but I wonder if I really fall.

Everything is just too fine for a person who had just lost her mother, until one day, when I was having high fever after work.

I seldom got sick. The last time I got high fever was probably few years ago, when I am at home with her taking care of me. And then finally I was sick, being too tired after a few busy weeks with no proper break. I was lying on the beanie bag I bought the night before she passed away, with my aching body, bones and skin. Yes, I finally realised how much I missed her. I never said that I don’t miss her. It was just even myself don’t know how much I missed her. If she would still here, she would be freaking out for my high fever, forcing me to drink water, doing anything and everything to cool down my temperature. However, she is just so far away now. She would not come back anymore. Being sick reminds me so much of her. I remembered few years ago when I was sick too, I was feeling so tired that I could not even feed myself. I remembered clearly how she fed me, cooling the food before she put it into my mouth. She was such a caring mother.

I recovered from high fever after sleeping for half day, but somehow she stayed in my minds. I haven’t missed her so badly before. Every day I think of her. Wash my tears away when I am in the shower.

I know I just can’t wait any longer to blog about her. I need to remember every details of her before I forget more.

Strong is the best word to describe about her, or reading her story of life would best explain the meaning of strong.

She was born in a huge family with two sisters and four brothers. She was not the eldest but that didn’t make her dependant. She lost her father at the age of 6. She faced it with courage. “I am not afraid, I still have my mother” is what she said when people ask about her loss. She was naughty, yet smart. That is one of the best thing she inherited to me. We are both evil. When she was young, she did a lot of tricks to prank people. Filling up people’s shoes with rocks. Buying ice cream and threw it to the dog when she was almost getting caught.

I am so much like her, not only appearance but my personality too. I pranked my brother too when I was young.

She grew up in a hardship where she was forced to give up her education when she was form 2. She can do really well in academic. However, the poverty of the family would have to make them wake up in the midnight going to estate to work and go to school after that. She could not concentrate in class and in the end she gave up.

She worked various type of job after that. She went far away from home too. I guessed that is probably when she met my dad. They were married when my dad was 22 and she was 20. They had my brother but things were hard. Both of them worked very hard but the financial of the family was always bad. She went through the days where she had no money to buy milk powder for the children. It was just a very hard time but she went through it. She could have just leave, but she chose to stay for the children.

A mom will always do anything for her children, never doubts that.

Days by days, their hard work paid off. They had their own shoes factory, it was not big, but it is enough to get us a better life. I am lucky to born at that time. I didn’t have to suffer as much as my brother and sister. I got the toys they always wanted but they never have it in their childhood. I used to be very close to my dad when I was younger because mom is always a fierce person. She disciplined us well, but I was too young to understand that.

The good things didn’t last long, mom shut down the factory because it was too stress. Mom was clever that she used to money we got after selling the factory to buy the house we have now. She always had a plan.

They worked really hard afterwards to pay the bills and grew us up. When I was form 2, it was the first time she was in serious illness. She was admitted into hospital for anaemia and diagnosed with a huge tumour in her uterus during that time. She was too weak to carry out the operation at that time in order to cut off the tumour so it was carried out a few months later. That was that first time I almost lost her. I cried a lot because I was so young and I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t even see that coming.

I thought she had gone through so much, it will be the time for her to enjoy after that.

Things were not any better, still. She still had to work to get my sister to college. I was still a burden as I was still in secondary school. She was much weaker after the operation; she could not work over time anymore. Our family income was greatly reduce, she save every penny to give us what we want.

She was given regular check-up after that operation. Each year she will be diagnosed with another small tumour in her breast, high blood pressure and other problem, but luckily these were not harmful and we changed our life style to keep all the numbers good and healthy. She successfully got my sister graduated with degree from UK, paid the loan for the house, my brother was married and she got her first grandson. I have seen her went through so much, I decided to give her freedom.

I came to college on my own, not just to prove that I can be independent. The intention I did it was because I wanted to give my parent a chance to do what they want. They spend their whole life for us. They are getting older. I want them to enjoy their life.

I thought things will go the way I wanted, but it never. I would say it broke my heart a lot.

Mom was start to sick when I was just in semester 2. I didn’t go home often because of tight schedule and all sort of things. In November, she was confirmed with cancer at the third stage in Serdang hospital. In Dicember, we went to Hospital Kuala Lumpur and the oncologist told us it was the fourth stage.

She was constantly vomiting, getting skinnier, slowly unable to consume food at that time. She started her chemotherapy in the end of Dicember. She was still getting worse and the side effects from the chemotherapy. We were just holding still. It is suffering to see her suffer from the side effects, but we knew it is the hope if she ever made through it.

February was the Chinese New Year. It was a strange new year because our grandma pass away few days before it and mom was too weak to celebrate. We spend it like an off from job and school. Her chemotherapy was stopped by the doctor after 3 sessions.

In March, we all know she would not last for very long. The week before she leave, it was just so worst. We all stayed at home. I watched her suffered. Vomit, unable to eat at all, unable to move… and the last few days she lost her conscious. She didn’t know where she was, she kept looking for us, asking us to hug her. She was leaving the last words for us while she still can.

In the morning of 12^th March 2014, I watched her left us. I watch her last breath.

Was it pain? Yes it is.
I wish she could stay a little longer, but I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I wish she could celebrate another 10 years birthdays, new years with me. I wish she could still travel to Cameron Highland together with us which she planned before she was sick. There are many things we can do if she is still here…but she is not.

These are my selfish thoughts, but watching her suffer, I rather her to leave. Ever since I knew about her sickness, seeing her getting worse, all I did is just to believe God will do what is best for her. Perhaps here is not the place where it could give her happiness that is why God took her away.
Wherever she is, I wish her happy.

Wherever she go, she stays in my heart, love and memories.

Dear mom,

I wrote a letter to you before you leave, asking you not to give up and stay strong. It is okay, I knew you tried your best. Don’t be sorry. You did your best for us. Thank you, for who you made me into, and who you became in my life. You will always be the most important person in my life. You are the strongest person I ever met. All the hardships and you never give up. Thank you. Thank you for being my greatest mom. If I ever have a chance, I wish you will be my daughter next time, and I will love you the way you loved me. I promised you to be strong and be someone you did be proud of if you are still here.

Thank you.

Rest in peace, you will be missed, my one and only, the strongest, greatest, and lovely mom.

Time Travelling from 2013 to 2014 - SOJU Sunway

Yup, here am I, 2 am in the morning of first day of Chinese New Year, having absolutely no plan as I am not celebrating this year due to some situation.

I was so bored so I thought of updating how I got to 2014 from 2013. Well, people call it countdown and I am feeling special tonight so it will be time travel. :>

So my time travel happened in a evil way in a club. To be more accurate, it is a music club. Nah, the truth is we don't really mind is it a club or music club, until we got in and realize it was so different.

Not sure if people like it or not, but music club turns out a little less fun for people like us.

So it was a last minute decision that we decided to go the new-opened SOJU Sunway music club. We actually decided during dinner time and hair cut session. Well, the boy got his hair styled free after the cut, which totally goes right with our plan. Then, there we go, the club with huge LED screen.

A little funny incident happened when we were going in, I got checked IC by the bouncer and he laughed about me being "ngam ngam" to get in.

Here is how the place looks like. and the LED screen.

The seat we got that day was not bad, just beside the stage. Got 3 bottles of black label that night but I was not really drinking that night.

Why get drunk when you go there to have fun? >.^

The performer were Wayne and Pure Energy that night. Well, we don't really expect that much of live performance as this is our first time in a music club. The performance was a little extreme for us i guess. We are so used to club that have DJ mixing those English song so when Wayne sing Chinese song we actually felt a little strange. And Pure energy were very extreme that they were just wearing undies. All the girls were like "OMG, where should I look at, I can't look at him."

Maybe they are not really extreme but it is just us not used to it. Who knows.

10seconds before 2014 and perfomer with their undies. :'D

Then we time traveled from 2013 to 2014 and party until around 1.30 am.

Some of the photos taken that night. Love these 2 man so much. ♥

Overall, the place impressed us with very good sound system which the bass make us heartbeat. It will be so nice if the music are a little closer to our taste. Well, the performer were not bad too, they did a great job getting the crowd high.

What we don't like is that it was so crowded that night that we don't even have space to move. The smoker won't even get his space for cigarettes. And they did a bad decision to release tons of small paper pieces when it was finally 12.00 am. Everyone was busy covering their glass from the paper. And before we leave, people were actually throwing ice cubes. Well I got hit really hard. T^T

The huge LED screen also make the whole place very bright so people were playing dices inside too. :'D This is how music club do their thing, it is brighter than the normal club, they have live performance probably singing 想你的夜or 征服, people play dices inside, and no dance floor.

So think twice about what you are looking for, if you are looking for a music club, SOJU can be a really good place. The sound systems is really impressive and the performer are really good.

Still a great night with the gang. Enjoyed it because at the end of the day, we are just grateful that we met each other in 2013 and we are celebrating a new year together.

And last but not least, Happy Chinese New Year people.

I know when I posted this out, a lot people will be judging because I go to club. Yes, I did.
Some might even call me a spoiled kid, bitch and etc.
Yes, you are allowed to call me anything you want because I know who I really am. 

There will always be haters, I understand.
Club is not a good thing for some people, I understand. 

But just because people don't like it, it does not mean I have to stop.
I am there, because I really enjoy the music. And nothing more. 

Another year another lesson.

Last day of 2013. 3.24am. I am here sitting in front of my lappy completing the blogpost I started 2 days ago.

And it is finally the last day of 2013. The year I wanted it to end so badly. Yet I am so grateful I had this particular year in my life.

2013 would be the toughest year I ever had. If life will only gets harder, I can't imagine.

I never thought that it will be this tough.

This year, I had my first  working experience. I worked as a teaching assistant nearby. It was such a great experience. The salary was not high but what I gained from it were so much more than money. I am not afraid to talk in front of public anymore. I had the one of the best memories with a precious one. We did not turn up to be the way I wanted, but I am so glad that I would still smile every time I think of you.

Thank you. 

That I did not regret about lossing you because I know you deserve something better.

That you become my sweetest and greatest lost. 

谢谢你变成我永远怀念并不后悔的回忆。

Then I moved to the current stage of life. College.

Coming to college was in my schedule of life from long time ago. The only thing that came out in sudden was I decided to financially independent. I have no income but I knew if I had decided to do so, I will find a way to live on my own. I never feel regret about this decision, even there are so many times I was being so depressed about incapable to do what I want or get what I want. I know this will make me a better person someday. This is the reason that I hold it.

As I am financially independent, I did some part time job during my semester break. Being a promoter is actually more enjoyable than I thought. Probably because the job I found was not too stress. But I enjoy working life a lot.

Then in semester 2, I admitted than my life gone wild in a very bad way. Even though I am getting back on the right track now, but what I have done is a history I can never wash away.  

Then I become a little too unlucky that lost my phone and money. It was not too much but yet enough to make my life miserable. I would not blame anyone but myself being careless.

All this were never enough to make me feel hopeless. Until I found out about her sickness one month ago. The close one would know who and what I am talking about. I could not do anything but pray. And I am not even sure what to pray. Praying that she don't need to suffer much or praying that what she is going through will eventually pass away and she will stay with us.

All I can say is... people leave eventually. No matter soon or later, we all will become part of the memories. I decide to let the god decide on her future. No matter what is happening, I chose to believe it is what god planned for her and it can never be bad for her.

Take what has come.
Let go what has left.

The greatest thing that ever happened this year is that I have found these friends during my hardest day. I could not tell how much I love them and I don't know why too.

你们是我没有祈祷却也得到的幸福。

不知道我们会要好多久。

但，我好庆幸2013我遇见了你们。

爱你们哟。

Midnight Thoughts.

结果我终于Legal to club可是平安夜我依然用最平安的方式度过。

没有疯狂的挤入人群中倒数。
也没有疯狂地在音乐中沉醉。

但我庆幸我不是一个人。

1. 节日。
其实终于发现再多的节日，没有一个共度的对象，节日也只是假日。

2. 烟火。
我记得2013年我对看见的第一个烟火许下了愿望。其实我知道烟火不会为我实现。可是人总有不愿放弃任何一丝希望的时候。

3. 谎言。
一直以为说谎是刻意做的事。活了18年才发现其实诚实才是我们需要花心思做的事。

4. 信任。
总会有个你特别信任的人。可是偶尔其实我们的信任对对方而言也许是个负担。

5. 为难。
因为我宁愿自己困难也不想别人为难。

6. 拥有。
好多美好的东西在我眼前，可是我清楚知道自己没有资格拥有，你知道那种痛吗。

7. 放弃。
要怎么割舍你不曾拥有的。我要怎么放弃我曾经以为拥有的。

8. 退让。
如果真的这么不幸立场对立了，我会退让，不是因为我要让自己伟大。只是因为我真的没有力气去争取。

9. 原谅。
其实好多时候原谅不是因为你不介意那件事而是因为你更重视对方。

10. 爱情。
最近老是重复的话。爱情其实就缺一个moment.

11. 要相信。
要一直相信世界上总有一个人是属于你的。

12. 疯狂。
爱情就是让你放下好多原则的东西。每个人都会有那么一次为爱疯狂，很久以后你会怀念的疯狂。

13. 失去。
后来发现失去其实就是瞬间的事。

14. 过去。
过去应该被怀念，而不是被遗憾。

什么让我遇见这样的你们。

其实我真的好难过。感觉什么都会失去，无论我多么用力去守护。到底是不是我珍惜的我在乎的都要离去。我很讨厌无能的感觉。好害怕今天的拥有变成明天的失去。感觉就快一无所有了。感觉我没有能力再去守护了。流泪觉得很傻。其实靠自己我快辛苦到窒息了。人生可不可以再多点希望。困在这样的生活里我好想放弃。

可不可以少点困难。
可不可以多点希望。

我知道10年后我会觉得现在这些没怎样。
可是能不能让我觉得真的有10年后。

友情很温暖。

跟同学吃火锅好有爱。

据说前天是个一辈子只会出现一次的日子。认真想想应该是吧，因为我想我不可能再活一个世纪。我很庆幸在这特别的日子里，拥有这班 神马同学的陪伴。

我想其实我不常提起身边的人吧。可是这班可爱的同学们让我觉得自己很幸福。

不知道是什么把我们牵连在一起。
也许我们都有着共同的嗜好。
也许我们性格有点相似。
或许我们就不需要什么原因才做朋友。

或许朋友就是个不需要理由而存在的人物。
也许朋友就是不需要理由就见面的人。

多久没有感受这种温情。我很庆幸当我在生活有点不顺利的时候遇见这般朋友。我很感激大家对我的照顾。很感激我们都在互相帮忙，最重要的是我们都不会计较些什么。这样的友情很舒服。

好喜欢大家一起出去的感觉。到处走走逛逛，四处吃吃喝喝，一起疯疯癫癫。甚至疯狂到我们拥有了自己的神马语言。

友情很温暖。


我希望10年后当我看见这些名字，脸上带着的是笑容。

前提是我不要像大家说的presentation 到一半爆毙。哈哈哈哈哈哈

忙得不可开交 就这样忙了一个星期又一个星期
累计了点想法。

却始终纠结于对与错。


1. 忘了多久没开blogger.com.
错过了无数个更新。从前总是在期待的更新现在已经没有精力去读。生活真的有点累。自己的生活都没能整理，又怎么有精力去见证别人生活的更新。

2. 想法。
每个人一定都有很多自己的想法吧。我有，而且很多。最近老是纠结于我到底是对是错。突然瞬间就开窍说，原来比起对与错，很多时候那段友情重不重要才是重点。

3. 独立。
或许我说过或许我没有。过了被人养的17年，靠自己的这几个月我真的过的很辛酸。独立让我看见了很多我没想过的事实，不是关于自己，而是关于别人。独立不是坏事，坏的是别人怎么利用你的独立。其实我也很想继续被养，就算是一点点的帮助也好。

4. 单身。
Being fine being single. 我单身得好好的。已经不想拥有会失去的。苦涩的回忆会被忘记，而我不想白白忘记生命中出现过的任何人。

5. 了解。
单身或许只是还没找到一个真的明白我想要什么的。

Another lonely night. Surrounded by darkness and assignments.

I can't hold it anymore.

These days have been really dark and tough. There were so much going on. I can only say that this year will be the worst year I had in my life. I am not sure if it ever gets better, or it may get worse.

I can't tell how lost I am now.
I get tired of assignments after been through so many of them.
I get tired of taking responsibility that I don't even should.
I get tired of changing myself to make people happy.
I get tired of holding back my word just to avoid fights.

I sometimes wonder is it good that I know a little more than some people. It makes me have no one to depend on. I wish to have somebody to tell me what to do or have someone to do something for me. I get tired of taking so much responsibility, not only in studies. I hate myself for wanted to be so strong that I make my own life miserable. I have no way to go back how I used to be. And god does not allow me to be any weaker too.

Why would everything happened now happens.

Tell me how could I ever believe such a strong, kind, sweet lady deserve that. She is the strongest person I ever met in life. She worked hard, she gave up so much just to raise us up. Everything she did was just to give us something better.

And now I am not even sure if she ever get a chance to watch me graduate.

It breaks my heart to watch her getting more and more skinny. To listen her voice getting weaker and weaker. I hate that I would have to be the one to tell her the ugly truth when myself is hard to accept it too. I hate that I know what is really happening and I can't do anything.

I wish I can take the pain away.

I can't accept the fact that few months ago she would still yelled at me and now she gets tired simply talking to me. How can everything change so drastically.

If I pray that she don't leave us so soon, will god ever heard it.

Assignments. I have nothing much to say but I am exhausted with it. I can't force myself to do anymore after staying up late for countless nights to do my assignment. No one to blame for this but I am tired.

I used to be only good in studies and now I ruined it too. I am good in nothing now. Useless and meaningless is all I can say about myself now.

I know I am not alone. But there are sadness and darkness that they can't help.

All I can do now is to hold a little longer, stay a little stronger, waiting for the savior, to save me from my darkness.

There is no point to put a title when the post is meaningless.

I am drown in darkness once again. I realized that it happen to me so often. Perhaps I am just weak in it.

Why am I drowning again. I have no idea. I doubt if I ever walked away from the darkness. It has been so long. I don't even see why am I drowning anymore. I can't' tell why. I have no idea why am I feeling sad but sometimes I am just so sad that I wanted to cry.

But my ego does not let me. I know I can cry when there is no one, but if I cried, I would laugh at myself too. I am so used to being judge that I start judging myself too. Keeping everything to myself. Until I have nightmare even it is a 30mins nap. Woke up feeling scared and cried. Finally a reason to cry.

I just feel so tired. Mentally. I am being controlled by emotion. 

Do you understanding how bad could it be. When you are alone. feeling anxious. Seeking for something that you don't even know what is it. There is no noise but all you feel is just noisy and messing.

I need help too. 

几件事

忘了多久没写《几件事》，才刚想起Sem break 要过去了。

1. 几个星期。
我27号考完试。做了几份工，颓废了好几天，放纵了好几次。我问心无愧。我没回家几天，但至少我没有每天在这里颓废。有的时候人生讲究的是刚刚好，不是最好。

2. 社会险恶。
社会险恶谁不懂。但在你被谋杀之前，你并不知道自己也会变成目标，你并不知道这样也能成为目标。你不知道什么时候危机靠近你，或许你以为自己安全的那一刻就是危机。

3. 停。
我开始忘了怎么停止脚步。有了明确目标后，我开始不断前进。慢慢忘记怎么停止脚步，想要休息也只是换个方向兜个圈再回到轨道上。休息像解脱，应该是放松，不是放纵。我错了，却不回头。

4. 骄傲。
那天有个朋友说我骄傲，这点我一直也这样认为。但骄傲的我不会自己说自己骄傲。其实我想每个骄傲的灵魂里都有一个害怕被践踏的心灵。

5. 耳环。
很多人都以为我没有耳洞，因为他们不曾看见我带耳环。我总是笑着说我懒惰，我不习惯。其实不带耳环的我只是找不到理由。有一天不带耳环的人会因为一场宴会而戴上耳环。有一天一个骄傲的人也会因为一个人而放下自尊。有一天傲慢的女生也会因为一份爱情而变成温柔的女人。一切都只是在等待着那份理由。

5. 沉默。
不要问我为什么不在说话。偶尔我也惊觉自己怎么就不说话了。有好多悲伤我还没流泪就忘了。有好多伤害我还没痛就复原了。我不擅长去记住我不想承认的事实，比如受伤。我说不出为什么我不知不觉就厌恶了，但我不会无缘无故就讨厌了。

6. 矛盾。
有的事情我开始厌恶，我知道那不只是别人的错。只是一切都错了，挽不回的过去，一切让它停止于回忆。

7. 工作。
我只是在做兼职，但做兼职我依然坚持了专业。我的专业不是我有多在行，而是我有多认真。身为新人我应该比别人努力。再短暂的工作，他依然是个经验。每一次呼吸都是生命，每一次工作都是学习，每一次认真都是收获。

8. 耳洞。
依然环绕在耳洞。我没带耳环不代表我没有耳洞。我没说出口不代表我不清楚。有的时候我什么都不说，是因为我知道的太多。

9. 责怪。
我不责怪你自私，我责怪自己怎么会以为你不会对我自私。

10. 时差。
反复的生活会让你有时差。每天过着同样的日子，不知不觉你就不再看日历了。每天在开着灯的环境下，慢慢的你忘了黑夜长什么模样了。重复的色彩会慢慢变成黑白。

Slave of words.

This will be a messy post . By the time I am writing this, I am not even sure will I post it out.

So my first final in college life started today.
I am not sure I am over-stressed like everyone said about me or I am not pushing myself to the limit yet like what I am thinking. It is always about the words. People around me always say that I cared too much about what people think of me. Well, it is said by other again. People don't really know how their words haunt me.

Well, not all words are mean or negative. Some are positive. Like "I believe you can do it" and etc. I am not sure if I am thinking too much, being a little too negative or it is just true. Not every positive words said to you are really positive, some of them are just negatively positive. Perhaps you don't know what do I mean by negatively positive, so I am explaining to you.


Well, I believe you could understand.

Uh huh, that is it. People told you that they believe you and expect you could do it. And by that, they are actually telling you that you are a loser if you can't do it. Can you understand the stress? And maybe a deeper and uglier truth, some are actually waiting for you to be a loser.

That is the fact. No matter how good you are, there will be haters.

And people like me, we don't take failure. I won't let myself to be a loser as people wanted and wished.

Even if I actually do not care that much about what those people expecting from me, like good results.

Yeap, I can be proud to say I am considered as a good student for all these year if you are talking about academic. At this moment, I believe some might thought that it is the family pressure. Or think that I am those so called kiasu people who want to be better than everyone in everything.

Well, the first thought I mention is definitely not true. My family never pressure me on studies. My parents never force me on it. They care less about academic but high expectation in behavior. And I totally did it oppositely.

The second thoughts about I am kiasu, maybe it is true. I want to be better in everything. I think be better in everything is different than be better than anyone in everything. There is difference which I am not sure if you can get it. I don't think I am born to be kiasu but somehow the environment change me. This is what I was talking about, the words and the people. The truth is, I am actually lots more not competitive than what people thought I am now. In my previous study life, no much people really take me as a competent. But when people start a competition, I don't let myself lose unless I know that person is really good. Until I feel like no matter how much I sacrifice I will still lose.

It is like people expect me to eat more than him or her. I don't really want to eat, but because people expect me to eat, I eat.

I am a slave of words.

So I finally had my conclusion.

I am a slave of words.


I din't know how to describe my attitude until I write that few seconds ago.
Anyway, I don't mind being slave of words. Who cares what will brings me up there.

There are millions ways of success, words is just one of them and it is not even bad.

About College.

Hi, people.  This is a greeting from a half zombie-d human. I felt like I haven't blog for decades. This is what college done to me. My first semester of college is coming to the end, most assignment have been submitted. After 11 weeks of college, I have this urge to do a blog post. Exactly like the title, about college.

About college #1 - All time war.
I believe that  I am not the only one who fished in troubled water. By here, I mean that these people including me, we don't always put effort in school and studies, but we survived secondary school. I was the badass who copied the homework my classmate squeezed her brain to finish it. I will only study for examination, few weeks or few days before it. And term test basically was the thing I don't really care.

But when I came to college, I realized that burning the midnight oil last minute before final will no longer works. It is because here in college, your coursework which is assignment will decide whether you can sit for you examination or not. This is something new for those who don't do their homework. Coursework are given from beginning of the semester and that basically represents the starting point of your war. And you CGPA will not only based on your final examination, but 40% will be the coursework which mean you need to get your work done close to perfect if you want your CGPA to be high.

In a simpler sentence, last minutes changes in attitude is not enough, you need to give your efforts all the time during the semester.

About college #2 - Group mates.
Talking about coursework and assignment, I am also very sure if you have any friend in college or university, you will definitely see them complaining about their group member. The one you din't hear him/her complaining, he/she must be the one people are complaining. When you come into college, you will meet bunches of people, with different personalities and background. Some care too much, or some care less about their result. This eventually caused problem when you are doing the coursework. Imagine the following situation. IMAGINE.

Situation A
You care less and they care a lot.
When one person does not really care, he/she will definitely not putting much effort in the matter. But with all the despo group mates, you are forced to do extra work to produce a higher quality work. But there are still a lot of people who care less enough about what people say, they just don't mind handling low quality works to their group mates.

Situation B.
Exactly the opposite of situation A, you care a lot but they don't.
The moment you want  your work to be perfect and hoping your group mates want the same thing, and they don't. You are struggling whether you should ask them to do it better but you are afraid that they gonna hate you. It is a hard decision between friendship and result. Well, people in situation B normally spent whole night before the day of submission doing correction and finishing work.

Situation C.
The happiest situation. It is either you found group mates who all care about the coursework as much as you do, or you all are just gonna hug each other and die. For those who decide to hug each other and die, I wish you happy titanic-ed.

Obviously I am the one in situation B, and I realized that about assignment, there are just the 6 words, 认真你就输了。

About college #3 - No one cares.
In secondary school, there are teacher keep urging you to do your homework. They would threaten you just to make you do homework lololol. But in college, lecturer and tutor does not really care if you come to college or not, they just do what they are paid for, which is teaching. Study is our own responsibilities in college. It become your own choice whether you want to make a full use of the fees you paid or you are here just because people say you need further education. No one including lecturers, tutors or even friend gonna force you but only you can make yourself do what you should do.

In secondary school, you are begged to study ; in college, you need to beg to study.

About college #4 - Why are you here.
In secondary school, most of us study just to pass our examination. because result is all we need. I seen a lot of people still carrying this attitude in college which i very much disagree. Try to think further, after graduation, you will be working. If we are still studying just to pass the examination and not really absorbing the knowledge, how do you survive working? How do we accomplish our job if we forgot everything that we memorized just for the examination?

You are here for knowledge, not to pass an examination and get a cert. 

About college #5 - Underestimating.
Underestimating is an attitude. It does not just happen in college, but so far I have seen it happening in college everyday. Perhaps it is quite hard for you to imagine how it happens, and people who are doing it din't even realized about it. I need to break down into a few part to explain about this.

Underestimate 1 - people
We are all new to each other, we don't know each other. There are so much we don't know about each other, what we been through, where do we come from. We treat everyone as if they are just like us. But remember, everyone is different. There will definitely someone better among the people we know. Don't think everyone is the same, get to know them.

Underestimate 2 - to things
As we are absorbing new things everyday, I see some people underestimate the things which we don't even know it yet. Don't say a thing is easy before you tried it. Difficulties can only be judged after you do it.

About college #6 - Dry.
Here a little good thing, if you are looking for love life, you are in the right place. Fucking a lot of dry guys and bitches in school. The development of love can happen in one day, so may you get laid soon.

HAHAHAHAHAHA About college #6 is just a funny fact. When I say funny fact, I mean it is real and not a joke. You know what I mean.

So going into college or university is entering another stage of life like everyone said. It is new, there are things that we din't see it coming. Don't be afraid of it. Like the movie line from "After Earth", danger is real, fear is a choice. Fear will always be your weakness if you don't overcome it, get over it and it will be your ability. Get yourself out of the boundaries like what I intended to say in my blog's link. Let your choices for life be naked, not limited by society or anything. Push yourself over the limits.

Only you can free yourself. 

Something about the new stage of life.

Can't believe how fast time flies!

Just kidding. The opening is so lame. And of course I know time flies really fast. I have been in college for 6 weeks. Paid my rental twice and the next time I pay will be very soon. Of course I know time flies..

So yeah, I am a college student for 6 weeks already. So far so good. Well, I am not saying that my life is free from problems. But come on, even a 5 years old kid will have hard time asking for sweets, I am 18 years old and I am expecting easy life? No, this is not the way we do it.

You don't ask a problem to fuck off, but you make it fucked up.

But one thing that make me feel blessed is that, I have met so many people who are so helpful. They take care of me, share with me and I could not ask for more. I am glad that I am not alone in college and I have friend that would help each other.

Thank you for chose to love me even though we have just met for weeks. What has come, I can't run. I went with the flow, and I found you.

Here some photo of my college life, you can'r run away from camwhoring when you have some narcissist friend.

Decided to put them into one because....

It did be annoying if you have to scroll down my face.

Anyway, I din't get my practical class photo. I was mixing concrete smelling cement. I am on cement drug. I am loving it.

But in this post, I am going to share with you all the first-time-experience I had recently. Some are very.... confidential. I would appreciate if you just read and keep your mouth shut.

1. Met bunch a gay friend and they enjoy behaving gay.
2. Ate Bear Paw.
3. Overnight at friend's place... (shhhhh, yeap that is the thing you don't tell your parents and wait, at friend place I mean her place.)
4. Ate Korean food.
5. Sushi Zanmai.
6. Went out till night for really often.
7. Went to construction site.
8. Had classes till 3.30pm on saturday. hmph
9. Mixing concrete.
10. Too much.

Most important of all is just that, I am in a relationship and my family know about it.
I posted on Facebook ( getting congrats but the amount is lesser than I thought, why you no wish me? T_T )
People might be shocked by my decision as it is fast. ( nah I actually delay it already, you don't know the story.)
Yeap, he might not be the best choice if we compare, if I compare. What we got at the beginning might not be the best, but it is not a decision for just a moment. We have time, things will change. If he is not the best for now,  I can make him the best choice in the future.
Love is not about getting the best person, but making a person better.

I chose you. I love you. I believe in you. I want you. ♥

You don't know how grateful I am that I found you. 

Thank you for choosing me. Thank you that you saw me.

几件事-新生活

好久没写几件事。

生活比我想象中更充实。其实更细节来说是风流快活。

这是学院生活开始后我觉得最伤士气的一天。我最怀疑自己的一天。

1. 学院生活难得不是学业，而是你担心的不再只是学业.
说不清除了学业还有什么要担心.要担心的事情太多,太多事情里包括未知。More is coming, and people are afraid of unknown. 

2. 靠自己.
这句话要做到很难,要别人相信更难.证明自己是个人的事,得到信任是别人的事.

3. 年龄.
我开始混淆我这个年龄应该是个怎么样的人.大家口说年龄不算什么,所以我一直以为做自己就好.但我开始质疑,18岁的我该背负什么责任,度过什么生活.其实有时候年龄不算什么只是大家把责任推给你的借口.

4. attached.
我责怪自己是个想要依赖的人.我也需就是那么一个需要被关心的堕落女,好听据说是空虚.我很容易习惯一个人的存在,我没办法摆脱一个人在生活和心里都存在着的人.可是我害怕依赖让我变得软弱.

5. 往前走.
我已经走了好远.我一直以为往前走很难,但生活其实已经把我推倒另一个地方.射手座,我往前走真的没办法回头.

6. 一针见血.
同学都说我一针见血.我真的觉得"慢慢被刀割几圈"比"一刀插死"来得痛.

7. 失眠.
原来失眠是假象.我不是睡不着,而是不想睡.我需要好多的成就感才能安心入睡.成就感在我眼里比睡眠可贵.最近入睡不再困难,虽然梦境还是一样惊险.

8. 朋友.
认识了好多人,每个人都有自己的故事.每个故事都有它值得学习的价值.

9. 书.
人家说遇见一个人像打开一本书,认识一个人是慢慢阅读书里的故事.我在想自己其实是不是只是本参考书,别人打开只是为了看他们想看的那一面.或许在遇见对的人之前,我们都至少图书馆里的参考书每天被借用,遇见了对的人,我们就是本值得拥有的百科全书.

10. 归属感.
在这里我找不到所谓的归属感,回家也开始变得陌生.我无时无刻都不自在.归属感到底从地方找还是从人找?

新生活没有特别顺利,却比我想象中开心.人生不需要完美,但缺陷不要只有悲伤.不完美不一定是破碎.

Strength.

Haven't update for 2 weeks. And that is half month if you don't feel long enough. This is a mentally tired post, I din't realized my mental has a worse stamina than my body.

So I started my college this week. Being away from parents and my teddy bear was so hard. I felt so empty without them. I could not hold myself from feeling homesick when home is always the biggest part of my life and family is the thing that make my heart keep on beating.

I know, I said I want to be independent. I still want to be, but life is too short. You will never know when will you lose what you love, so protect and appreciate them.

Currently feeling very down. There could have so much going on my life, always going on. I sometimes wonder do I really have so much to care? Or I am just taking the responsibility that does not even should be mine? Sometimes I just feel like my shoulder could be a little overloaded, it explains why do I feel so tired.

I don't mind doing more, just give me a reason. ( Singing pink song no la just kidding)
When I love you and could have care so much for you, be my strength to go on, not the burden to pull me down.

I know I have been too desperate on everything. I din't ask for anyone to understand, no one wanted to put their feet in one's shoes. But I have to say, I have lot of responsibilities. If I failed to do anything, it will not be just about me. I rather to give up on my happiness so that they could have one.

Let me count on someone like people count on me. I don't need someone to protect me, but someone who would face challenges together with me. 

几件事-另一个我.

没有开场白.有个叶可盈有点厌倦说话要婉转,要看情况.其实射手座本来应该直言直语的,不是吗?

1.沟通不重叠的叶可盈.
原来网络上的我和真实的我真的不一样.你无法想象面子书里那总是习惯骂脏话的我其实现实生活里不太说话.或许我就是那般习惯用文字沟通.生活上我能畅所欲言的人我从不和他们在面子书多聊.我不相信话题没有尽头.如果我写了好多字给你,也说了好多话让你听,那我生活和内心应该已被你占据,才会有说不完的话题.

2.乞丐般的叶可盈.
不是路边的乞丐,经济能力我比你想像中还独立.可是感情方面我却总像个乞丐,等着别人施舍一些友情给我.对不起,我就是那般高傲,受不了自己为了没有什么的友情而变得卑微.如果我的位子比你低,那谁来陪你看那美丽的风景?友情应该同行.

3.愚蠢的叶可盈.
被诈骗集团骗个彻底,多伤自尊心.我没损失一分一毫,但却赔了自尊心.惊讶自己从头都尾没怀疑过是场骗局.不对,我有感觉到有些情节不对.但骗局很倡促,没有时间停下来让你思考.原来受骗就是那样.太在乎会让人失去理智.

4.用愤怒解决悲伤的叶可盈.
不想说自己为什么伤心.只想找堆借口生气,甚至让自己变得讨人厌.生活把我逼到边缘,所以我也变得极端.很烂的借口,可是被讨厌我觉得好安全.

5.轻浮的叶可盈.
言语里满是轻浮.有部电影[不再让你孤独]里有句对白是"谢谢你让我踏踏实实地活在你的生活里".我想踏踏实实地活在谁的生活里,可惜我是独岛,大海漂浮要习以为常.无法寄生在大陆,或许我只需要等待另一座孤岛.

6.看了Oblivion 的叶可盈.
我不喜欢结局.49号的Jack Harper 和 52号的Jack Harper 永远都不一样.有的时候爱情不单是因为他是谁而爱,也可以包括因为和他经历了什么而爱.

7.看了忠烈杨家将的叶可盈.(没错我很威水一星期看两部电影)
我被郑伊健深深吸引.他饰演大哥再适合不过,人要有点经历才能表现出那点成熟的魅力.有点历练,人才会开始沉淀.

8.吃了第一次的Sushi King 的叶可盈.
其实我没有特别特别喜欢吃,只是想尝试.人生如果因为喜欢一样东西就不看别的东西,那人生不就有点可惜?橘子的[不只是朋友]里有一句: "当你眼中只有某个人,你眼睛你脑子都被那个人塞得满满的时候,你又怎么能够看得到其它人的好呢?" 人生只活一次,不嚐试没有下辈子. mamee 不吃也没有下辈子.

9.看完小说的叶可盈.
我终于看完最后一本小说[不只是朋友].很喜欢小说里的一句: “我想活在世界的尽头，背对着世界活.” 背对着你,就是世界尽头. 你了解更深一层的含义吗?

10.寻找影子的叶可盈.
活在记忆里,尝试让记忆里的习惯继续进行.寻找记忆的影子.活在记忆里还是影子里不重要,重点是活在那里只有黑暗.我没那么强,没有新东西,我舍弃不了旧事物.

再见.脑汁正式被榨干.我从上个月的9号到今天没有一天安眠,梦境偶尔刺激得可以和oblivion比较.更不要跟我提起每晚至少失眠一两个小时的事.

不是每个人都能理解舒服躺下是种幸福.

Childhood.

People often say their childhood is their best memories. They missed the time without worries, running at the field, talking to friend. Well, the statement is not legal in my life. Somehow my childhood is quite pathetic to think about.

I am going blog the Top 5 Saddest incident in my childhood.

No5. I used to be very forgetful.
Hard to believe but there were a few month during my standard 3, I forgot to bring my homework to school everyday. I done all of them but I just put in on table, never put it inside my bag. I could not count how many times I got rotan-ed by teacher for that stupid reason. I was probably being 鬼遮眼 during that few month. It is hard to believe someone can be so forgetful.

No4. I once sicked for half year.
Another stupid thing happened in my life. I was sicked for at least 3days(means some time it is even more than 3days) and the fever just came back every week. I rarely went to school that I din't even have chance to pay my school fees once. So you can imagine how often I was absent from school. Wonder how I healed? Typical Chinese way, my mother brought me to a temple. The explanation for my sickness was not scientific at all, I was scared by one really fierce teacher. Well...There is still no scientific explanation for it now. But who cares, I rarely sick now. ^.^

No3. I was once very dumb.
My performance in school was usually average only until I was standard 4. HAHAHA I don't even think I ever studied in the first 3 years in primary school because I have no memories of myself studied for exam. And I don't even remember myself having exam during standard 1. The last exam in standard 3 was the turning point in my life(not sure if it is a good change). I scored unbelievable good grades and accidentally became the top 10 student. Damn yah, I am pretty sure my friend and teacher suspected me cheating in exam. hahaha. And I think I gained some haters because I improved even more and maintained it after that. This pretty much explain the following sad incident in my childhood.

No2. Being involved in drama that I don't even know it existed.
I was happily running around the school ( yes I ran in school. Damn stupid but I think I quit that after one or two years). And suddenly my friend came and tell me XXX hate me(using XXX because wanted no offense to anyone and I actually forgot who is that.). I was only standard 1. Hell yah, I din't know girl are really so dramatic that they can make drama at any age and out of anyone. Then I was being very down because I think I trusted the girl that she said she hate me.

And now Tadaaaaah............ ( playing drum)

No1. Being ignored and hated.
The most pathetic incident in my childhood is that I was always being hated by someone. The worst case that ever happened is there was one time, one of the girl in our class were throwing a birthday party. She invited the whole class but me. I think my close friend also not invited, did they get invited? Wait, who is my close friend at that time? Of course I would be upset at that time and what was worse. They said I cared about my reputation so much that I was upset for not invited to a party. Damn yah, they really hate me alot. Not to forgot to mention, there are always someone trying to say bad things about me too. Some even tricked me to say bad things about other, well I think I did a neutral comment about that person and it turned out to be a huge drama which involved the teacher. I was being blamed when it was not my fault also and no one trusted me.

So my childhood are mostly abut the backstabbing friend, hosting the dramas which I don't even know how it came out, being hated, being ignored, worried about grades and a lot other negative things. Even I did well in something, there will also someone saying all I got is just luck, I am not that good to qualify for any thing. And I am still being judged by others until now and still there are tons of people doubt about my ability.

But come on, you think my 12 years of dramas and being judged is a waste ah? I have super strong immunity towards drama now. Words can't bring me down.

几件事.习惯.

似有似无的惯例.我好像每写了一两个英文post 就会写华文.这又是个筹集了几件事,一些感想的post. 我没想好大纲,反正人生有太多即兴的事.

1. 白发.
今天看见一位女士,头发直而柔顺,可是因为上了年纪所以柔顺的头发中参杂了些白发.真感概.何必急着染上五颜六色的头发,你沉闷的黑发再过二三十年也依然会被白发淘汰.要走的事物你留不住.

2.目标.
忽然觉得自己的理想太抽象.世上真的没那么多富翁,也没那么多公主.也许理想是抽象的,目标是明确的.我是时候踏踏实实设下目标,无怨无悔为实现目标努力.

3.幸福.
最近幸福变得有限.对未来的幸福似乎抱了太多憧憬.和喜欢的人住在豪宅里也许不是幸福而是奢华.和相爱的人一起乘着火车走片天涯海角也许不是平凡而是幸福.

4.小说
2012年最后一个晚上(没错,我记得很清楚因为那晚和重要的人过.我对那人重不重要不重要,我知道他对我有多重要就好.反正这世界就是他妈的没有公平.没有人会用你对待他的方式对待你.)我买了4本小说.刚开始的时候一口气读了两本,可是后来发生了一堆我没读小说的心情的事.然后,这两天终于读了第三本.读完了.第四本的内容.... 我还在说服自己去读的过程中.

5.穷.
就说我读小说.小说主角背景好气势,总经理(而且还是帅气的总经理).然后帅气的总经理却老是被女主角们说穷得只剩下钱.也许富有真的不是用金钱衡量,用金钱衡量到最后也许真的会穷得只有钱.不过最近我好像要穷得连钱都没有.

6.回忆.
我那天很无聊所以翻开了以前(其实是一年前)的status.结果对于自己写过类似脑残还是我可以直接说没脑的事感到很迷惑.我是他妈的脑袋在想什么.然后对于评论的人就更迷茫.虽然明确记得是个曾经熟悉的人(至少我没对这名字发呆这是他妈的哪位,前阵子就发生了这种事),可是原来是那种夸张的熟悉.

7.催眠.
不知道是催眠成功还是我是发自内心.我还真对建筑材料有了好奇心.所以,人会做他们相信的事.

8.损友.
其实损不损不是重点,可是有个还不错的朋友真的很不错.如果你是个骂脏话的人,就找个那样的人.找个不评论你的生活但提醒你的人生的朋友.

9.邋塌.
我发现我其实真有点邋塌.书桌这方面.要解释有点烦.但书桌上的东西完全超过书桌上该有的东西.还有其实我总是喜欢逃避正经的事.虽然我的生活很一塌糊涂,可是我觉得我的人生还算井然有序(不要怀疑,我不会这个成语.感谢google 大师). 或许我只是要找个人来打点我这邋塌糊涂的生活,钟点女佣太中用.

10.习惯.
习惯这事很恐怖,尤其是习惯一个人.习惯总是在不知不觉下培养.习惯也在你不知不觉下改变,人也不声不响下离开.一个人有多习惯就看失去后他有多不舍.没办法用言语或行动表达有多习惯.可是我们可以用言语和眼泪来表达我们多不舍.

11.忘记.
人想要忘记什么之前,其实就已经想起什么.忘记也许就不能刻意.

12.思念.你他妈的放心,我适应能力很强.总有天会习以为常.

Maldives. -曾经想要一起走的路我还不想一个人走.-