Another year another lesson.

Last day of 2013. 3.24am. I am here sitting in front of my lappy completing the blogpost I started 2 days ago.

And it is finally the last day of 2013. The year I wanted it to end so badly. Yet I am so grateful I had this particular year in my life.

2013 would be the toughest year I ever had. If life will only gets harder, I can't imagine.

I never thought that it will be this tough.

This year, I had my first  working experience. I worked as a teaching assistant nearby. It was such a great experience. The salary was not high but what I gained from it were so much more than money. I am not afraid to talk in front of public anymore. I had the one of the best memories with a precious one. We did not turn up to be the way I wanted, but I am so glad that I would still smile every time I think of you.

Thank you. 

That I did not regret about lossing you because I know you deserve something better.

That you become my sweetest and greatest lost. 

谢谢你变成我永远怀念并不后悔的回忆。

Then I moved to the current stage of life. College.

Coming to college was in my schedule of life from long time ago. The only thing that came out in sudden was I decided to financially independent. I have no income but I knew if I had decided to do so, I will find a way to live on my own. I never feel regret about this decision, even there are so many times I was being so depressed about incapable to do what I want or get what I want. I know this will make me a better person someday. This is the reason that I hold it.

As I am financially independent, I did some part time job during my semester break. Being a promoter is actually more enjoyable than I thought. Probably because the job I found was not too stress. But I enjoy working life a lot.

Then in semester 2, I admitted than my life gone wild in a very bad way. Even though I am getting back on the right track now, but what I have done is a history I can never wash away.  

Then I become a little too unlucky that lost my phone and money. It was not too much but yet enough to make my life miserable. I would not blame anyone but myself being careless.

All this were never enough to make me feel hopeless. Until I found out about her sickness one month ago. The close one would know who and what I am talking about. I could not do anything but pray. And I am not even sure what to pray. Praying that she don't need to suffer much or praying that what she is going through will eventually pass away and she will stay with us.

All I can say is... people leave eventually. No matter soon or later, we all will become part of the memories. I decide to let the god decide on her future. No matter what is happening, I chose to believe it is what god planned for her and it can never be bad for her.

Take what has come.
Let go what has left.

The greatest thing that ever happened this year is that I have found these friends during my hardest day. I could not tell how much I love them and I don't know why too.

你们是我没有祈祷却也得到的幸福。

不知道我们会要好多久。

但，我好庆幸2013我遇见了你们。

爱你们哟。

Midnight Thoughts.

结果我终于Legal to club可是平安夜我依然用最平安的方式度过。

没有疯狂的挤入人群中倒数。
也没有疯狂地在音乐中沉醉。

但我庆幸我不是一个人。

1. 节日。
其实终于发现再多的节日，没有一个共度的对象，节日也只是假日。

2. 烟火。
我记得2013年我对看见的第一个烟火许下了愿望。其实我知道烟火不会为我实现。可是人总有不愿放弃任何一丝希望的时候。

3. 谎言。
一直以为说谎是刻意做的事。活了18年才发现其实诚实才是我们需要花心思做的事。

4. 信任。
总会有个你特别信任的人。可是偶尔其实我们的信任对对方而言也许是个负担。

5. 为难。
因为我宁愿自己困难也不想别人为难。

6. 拥有。
好多美好的东西在我眼前，可是我清楚知道自己没有资格拥有，你知道那种痛吗。

7. 放弃。
要怎么割舍你不曾拥有的。我要怎么放弃我曾经以为拥有的。

8. 退让。
如果真的这么不幸立场对立了，我会退让，不是因为我要让自己伟大。只是因为我真的没有力气去争取。

9. 原谅。
其实好多时候原谅不是因为你不介意那件事而是因为你更重视对方。

10. 爱情。
最近老是重复的话。爱情其实就缺一个moment.

11. 要相信。
要一直相信世界上总有一个人是属于你的。

12. 疯狂。
爱情就是让你放下好多原则的东西。每个人都会有那么一次为爱疯狂，很久以后你会怀念的疯狂。

13. 失去。
后来发现失去其实就是瞬间的事。

14. 过去。
过去应该被怀念，而不是被遗憾。

什么让我遇见这样的你们。

其实我真的好难过。感觉什么都会失去，无论我多么用力去守护。到底是不是我珍惜的我在乎的都要离去。我很讨厌无能的感觉。好害怕今天的拥有变成明天的失去。感觉就快一无所有了。感觉我没有能力再去守护了。流泪觉得很傻。其实靠自己我快辛苦到窒息了。人生可不可以再多点希望。困在这样的生活里我好想放弃。

可不可以少点困难。
可不可以多点希望。

我知道10年后我会觉得现在这些没怎样。
可是能不能让我觉得真的有10年后。

友情很温暖。

跟同学吃火锅好有爱。

据说前天是个一辈子只会出现一次的日子。认真想想应该是吧，因为我想我不可能再活一个世纪。我很庆幸在这特别的日子里，拥有这班 神马同学的陪伴。

我想其实我不常提起身边的人吧。可是这班可爱的同学们让我觉得自己很幸福。

不知道是什么把我们牵连在一起。
也许我们都有着共同的嗜好。
也许我们性格有点相似。
或许我们就不需要什么原因才做朋友。

或许朋友就是个不需要理由而存在的人物。
也许朋友就是不需要理由就见面的人。

多久没有感受这种温情。我很庆幸当我在生活有点不顺利的时候遇见这般朋友。我很感激大家对我的照顾。很感激我们都在互相帮忙，最重要的是我们都不会计较些什么。这样的友情很舒服。

好喜欢大家一起出去的感觉。到处走走逛逛，四处吃吃喝喝，一起疯疯癫癫。甚至疯狂到我们拥有了自己的神马语言。

友情很温暖。


我希望10年后当我看见这些名字，脸上带着的是笑容。

前提是我不要像大家说的presentation 到一半爆毙。哈哈哈哈哈哈

忙得不可开交 就这样忙了一个星期又一个星期
累计了点想法。

却始终纠结于对与错。


1. 忘了多久没开blogger.com.
错过了无数个更新。从前总是在期待的更新现在已经没有精力去读。生活真的有点累。自己的生活都没能整理，又怎么有精力去见证别人生活的更新。

2. 想法。
每个人一定都有很多自己的想法吧。我有，而且很多。最近老是纠结于我到底是对是错。突然瞬间就开窍说，原来比起对与错，很多时候那段友情重不重要才是重点。

3. 独立。
或许我说过或许我没有。过了被人养的17年，靠自己的这几个月我真的过的很辛酸。独立让我看见了很多我没想过的事实，不是关于自己，而是关于别人。独立不是坏事，坏的是别人怎么利用你的独立。其实我也很想继续被养，就算是一点点的帮助也好。

4. 单身。
Being fine being single. 我单身得好好的。已经不想拥有会失去的。苦涩的回忆会被忘记，而我不想白白忘记生命中出现过的任何人。

5. 了解。
单身或许只是还没找到一个真的明白我想要什么的。

Another lonely night. Surrounded by darkness and assignments.

I can't hold it anymore.

These days have been really dark and tough. There were so much going on. I can only say that this year will be the worst year I had in my life. I am not sure if it ever gets better, or it may get worse.

I can't tell how lost I am now.
I get tired of assignments after been through so many of them.
I get tired of taking responsibility that I don't even should.
I get tired of changing myself to make people happy.
I get tired of holding back my word just to avoid fights.

I sometimes wonder is it good that I know a little more than some people. It makes me have no one to depend on. I wish to have somebody to tell me what to do or have someone to do something for me. I get tired of taking so much responsibility, not only in studies. I hate myself for wanted to be so strong that I make my own life miserable. I have no way to go back how I used to be. And god does not allow me to be any weaker too.

Why would everything happened now happens.

Tell me how could I ever believe such a strong, kind, sweet lady deserve that. She is the strongest person I ever met in life. She worked hard, she gave up so much just to raise us up. Everything she did was just to give us something better.

And now I am not even sure if she ever get a chance to watch me graduate.

It breaks my heart to watch her getting more and more skinny. To listen her voice getting weaker and weaker. I hate that I would have to be the one to tell her the ugly truth when myself is hard to accept it too. I hate that I know what is really happening and I can't do anything.

I wish I can take the pain away.

I can't accept the fact that few months ago she would still yelled at me and now she gets tired simply talking to me. How can everything change so drastically.

If I pray that she don't leave us so soon, will god ever heard it.

Assignments. I have nothing much to say but I am exhausted with it. I can't force myself to do anymore after staying up late for countless nights to do my assignment. No one to blame for this but I am tired.

I used to be only good in studies and now I ruined it too. I am good in nothing now. Useless and meaningless is all I can say about myself now.

I know I am not alone. But there are sadness and darkness that they can't help.

All I can do now is to hold a little longer, stay a little stronger, waiting for the savior, to save me from my darkness.

There is no point to put a title when the post is meaningless.

I am drown in darkness once again. I realized that it happen to me so often. Perhaps I am just weak in it.

Why am I drowning again. I have no idea. I doubt if I ever walked away from the darkness. It has been so long. I don't even see why am I drowning anymore. I can't' tell why. I have no idea why am I feeling sad but sometimes I am just so sad that I wanted to cry.

But my ego does not let me. I know I can cry when there is no one, but if I cried, I would laugh at myself too. I am so used to being judge that I start judging myself too. Keeping everything to myself. Until I have nightmare even it is a 30mins nap. Woke up feeling scared and cried. Finally a reason to cry.

I just feel so tired. Mentally. I am being controlled by emotion. 

Do you understanding how bad could it be. When you are alone. feeling anxious. Seeking for something that you don't even know what is it. There is no noise but all you feel is just noisy and messing.

I need help too. 

几件事

忘了多久没写《几件事》，才刚想起Sem break 要过去了。

1. 几个星期。
我27号考完试。做了几份工，颓废了好几天，放纵了好几次。我问心无愧。我没回家几天，但至少我没有每天在这里颓废。有的时候人生讲究的是刚刚好，不是最好。

2. 社会险恶。
社会险恶谁不懂。但在你被谋杀之前，你并不知道自己也会变成目标，你并不知道这样也能成为目标。你不知道什么时候危机靠近你，或许你以为自己安全的那一刻就是危机。

3. 停。
我开始忘了怎么停止脚步。有了明确目标后，我开始不断前进。慢慢忘记怎么停止脚步，想要休息也只是换个方向兜个圈再回到轨道上。休息像解脱，应该是放松，不是放纵。我错了，却不回头。

4. 骄傲。
那天有个朋友说我骄傲，这点我一直也这样认为。但骄傲的我不会自己说自己骄傲。其实我想每个骄傲的灵魂里都有一个害怕被践踏的心灵。

5. 耳环。
很多人都以为我没有耳洞，因为他们不曾看见我带耳环。我总是笑着说我懒惰，我不习惯。其实不带耳环的我只是找不到理由。有一天不带耳环的人会因为一场宴会而戴上耳环。有一天一个骄傲的人也会因为一个人而放下自尊。有一天傲慢的女生也会因为一份爱情而变成温柔的女人。一切都只是在等待着那份理由。

5. 沉默。
不要问我为什么不在说话。偶尔我也惊觉自己怎么就不说话了。有好多悲伤我还没流泪就忘了。有好多伤害我还没痛就复原了。我不擅长去记住我不想承认的事实，比如受伤。我说不出为什么我不知不觉就厌恶了，但我不会无缘无故就讨厌了。

6. 矛盾。
有的事情我开始厌恶，我知道那不只是别人的错。只是一切都错了，挽不回的过去，一切让它停止于回忆。

7. 工作。
我只是在做兼职，但做兼职我依然坚持了专业。我的专业不是我有多在行，而是我有多认真。身为新人我应该比别人努力。再短暂的工作，他依然是个经验。每一次呼吸都是生命，每一次工作都是学习，每一次认真都是收获。

8. 耳洞。
依然环绕在耳洞。我没带耳环不代表我没有耳洞。我没说出口不代表我不清楚。有的时候我什么都不说，是因为我知道的太多。

9. 责怪。
我不责怪你自私，我责怪自己怎么会以为你不会对我自私。

10. 时差。
反复的生活会让你有时差。每天过着同样的日子，不知不觉你就不再看日历了。每天在开着灯的环境下，慢慢的你忘了黑夜长什么模样了。重复的色彩会慢慢变成黑白。

Slave of words.

This will be a messy post . By the time I am writing this, I am not even sure will I post it out.

So my first final in college life started today.
I am not sure I am over-stressed like everyone said about me or I am not pushing myself to the limit yet like what I am thinking. It is always about the words. People around me always say that I cared too much about what people think of me. Well, it is said by other again. People don't really know how their words haunt me.

Well, not all words are mean or negative. Some are positive. Like "I believe you can do it" and etc. I am not sure if I am thinking too much, being a little too negative or it is just true. Not every positive words said to you are really positive, some of them are just negatively positive. Perhaps you don't know what do I mean by negatively positive, so I am explaining to you.


Well, I believe you could understand.

Uh huh, that is it. People told you that they believe you and expect you could do it. And by that, they are actually telling you that you are a loser if you can't do it. Can you understand the stress? And maybe a deeper and uglier truth, some are actually waiting for you to be a loser.

That is the fact. No matter how good you are, there will be haters.

And people like me, we don't take failure. I won't let myself to be a loser as people wanted and wished.

Even if I actually do not care that much about what those people expecting from me, like good results.

Yeap, I can be proud to say I am considered as a good student for all these year if you are talking about academic. At this moment, I believe some might thought that it is the family pressure. Or think that I am those so called kiasu people who want to be better than everyone in everything.

Well, the first thought I mention is definitely not true. My family never pressure me on studies. My parents never force me on it. They care less about academic but high expectation in behavior. And I totally did it oppositely.

The second thoughts about I am kiasu, maybe it is true. I want to be better in everything. I think be better in everything is different than be better than anyone in everything. There is difference which I am not sure if you can get it. I don't think I am born to be kiasu but somehow the environment change me. This is what I was talking about, the words and the people. The truth is, I am actually lots more not competitive than what people thought I am now. In my previous study life, no much people really take me as a competent. But when people start a competition, I don't let myself lose unless I know that person is really good. Until I feel like no matter how much I sacrifice I will still lose.

It is like people expect me to eat more than him or her. I don't really want to eat, but because people expect me to eat, I eat.

I am a slave of words.

So I finally had my conclusion.

I am a slave of words.


I din't know how to describe my attitude until I write that few seconds ago.
Anyway, I don't mind being slave of words. Who cares what will brings me up there.

There are millions ways of success, words is just one of them and it is not even bad.

About College.

Hi, people.  This is a greeting from a half zombie-d human. I felt like I haven't blog for decades. This is what college done to me. My first semester of college is coming to the end, most assignment have been submitted. After 11 weeks of college, I have this urge to do a blog post. Exactly like the title, about college.

About college #1 - All time war.
I believe that  I am not the only one who fished in troubled water. By here, I mean that these people including me, we don't always put effort in school and studies, but we survived secondary school. I was the badass who copied the homework my classmate squeezed her brain to finish it. I will only study for examination, few weeks or few days before it. And term test basically was the thing I don't really care.

But when I came to college, I realized that burning the midnight oil last minute before final will no longer works. It is because here in college, your coursework which is assignment will decide whether you can sit for you examination or not. This is something new for those who don't do their homework. Coursework are given from beginning of the semester and that basically represents the starting point of your war. And you CGPA will not only based on your final examination, but 40% will be the coursework which mean you need to get your work done close to perfect if you want your CGPA to be high.

In a simpler sentence, last minutes changes in attitude is not enough, you need to give your efforts all the time during the semester.

About college #2 - Group mates.
Talking about coursework and assignment, I am also very sure if you have any friend in college or university, you will definitely see them complaining about their group member. The one you din't hear him/her complaining, he/she must be the one people are complaining. When you come into college, you will meet bunches of people, with different personalities and background. Some care too much, or some care less about their result. This eventually caused problem when you are doing the coursework. Imagine the following situation. IMAGINE.

Situation A
You care less and they care a lot.
When one person does not really care, he/she will definitely not putting much effort in the matter. But with all the despo group mates, you are forced to do extra work to produce a higher quality work. But there are still a lot of people who care less enough about what people say, they just don't mind handling low quality works to their group mates.

Situation B.
Exactly the opposite of situation A, you care a lot but they don't.
The moment you want  your work to be perfect and hoping your group mates want the same thing, and they don't. You are struggling whether you should ask them to do it better but you are afraid that they gonna hate you. It is a hard decision between friendship and result. Well, people in situation B normally spent whole night before the day of submission doing correction and finishing work.

Situation C.
The happiest situation. It is either you found group mates who all care about the coursework as much as you do, or you all are just gonna hug each other and die. For those who decide to hug each other and die, I wish you happy titanic-ed.

Obviously I am the one in situation B, and I realized that about assignment, there are just the 6 words, 认真你就输了。

About college #3 - No one cares.
In secondary school, there are teacher keep urging you to do your homework. They would threaten you just to make you do homework lololol. But in college, lecturer and tutor does not really care if you come to college or not, they just do what they are paid for, which is teaching. Study is our own responsibilities in college. It become your own choice whether you want to make a full use of the fees you paid or you are here just because people say you need further education. No one including lecturers, tutors or even friend gonna force you but only you can make yourself do what you should do.

In secondary school, you are begged to study ; in college, you need to beg to study.

About college #4 - Why are you here.
In secondary school, most of us study just to pass our examination. because result is all we need. I seen a lot of people still carrying this attitude in college which i very much disagree. Try to think further, after graduation, you will be working. If we are still studying just to pass the examination and not really absorbing the knowledge, how do you survive working? How do we accomplish our job if we forgot everything that we memorized just for the examination?

You are here for knowledge, not to pass an examination and get a cert. 

About college #5 - Underestimating.
Underestimating is an attitude. It does not just happen in college, but so far I have seen it happening in college everyday. Perhaps it is quite hard for you to imagine how it happens, and people who are doing it din't even realized about it. I need to break down into a few part to explain about this.

Underestimate 1 - people
We are all new to each other, we don't know each other. There are so much we don't know about each other, what we been through, where do we come from. We treat everyone as if they are just like us. But remember, everyone is different. There will definitely someone better among the people we know. Don't think everyone is the same, get to know them.

Underestimate 2 - to things
As we are absorbing new things everyday, I see some people underestimate the things which we don't even know it yet. Don't say a thing is easy before you tried it. Difficulties can only be judged after you do it.

About college #6 - Dry.
Here a little good thing, if you are looking for love life, you are in the right place. Fucking a lot of dry guys and bitches in school. The development of love can happen in one day, so may you get laid soon.

HAHAHAHAHAHA About college #6 is just a funny fact. When I say funny fact, I mean it is real and not a joke. You know what I mean.

So going into college or university is entering another stage of life like everyone said. It is new, there are things that we din't see it coming. Don't be afraid of it. Like the movie line from "After Earth", danger is real, fear is a choice. Fear will always be your weakness if you don't overcome it, get over it and it will be your ability. Get yourself out of the boundaries like what I intended to say in my blog's link. Let your choices for life be naked, not limited by society or anything. Push yourself over the limits.

Only you can free yourself. 

Something about the new stage of life.

Can't believe how fast time flies!

Just kidding. The opening is so lame. And of course I know time flies really fast. I have been in college for 6 weeks. Paid my rental twice and the next time I pay will be very soon. Of course I know time flies..

So yeah, I am a college student for 6 weeks already. So far so good. Well, I am not saying that my life is free from problems. But come on, even a 5 years old kid will have hard time asking for sweets, I am 18 years old and I am expecting easy life? No, this is not the way we do it.

You don't ask a problem to fuck off, but you make it fucked up.

But one thing that make me feel blessed is that, I have met so many people who are so helpful. They take care of me, share with me and I could not ask for more. I am glad that I am not alone in college and I have friend that would help each other.

Thank you for chose to love me even though we have just met for weeks. What has come, I can't run. I went with the flow, and I found you.

Here some photo of my college life, you can'r run away from camwhoring when you have some narcissist friend.

Decided to put them into one because....

It did be annoying if you have to scroll down my face.

Anyway, I din't get my practical class photo. I was mixing concrete smelling cement. I am on cement drug. I am loving it.

But in this post, I am going to share with you all the first-time-experience I had recently. Some are very.... confidential. I would appreciate if you just read and keep your mouth shut.

1. Met bunch a gay friend and they enjoy behaving gay.
2. Ate Bear Paw.
3. Overnight at friend's place... (shhhhh, yeap that is the thing you don't tell your parents and wait, at friend place I mean her place.)
4. Ate Korean food.
5. Sushi Zanmai.
6. Went out till night for really often.
7. Went to construction site.
8. Had classes till 3.30pm on saturday. hmph
9. Mixing concrete.
10. Too much.

Most important of all is just that, I am in a relationship and my family know about it.
I posted on Facebook ( getting congrats but the amount is lesser than I thought, why you no wish me? T_T )
People might be shocked by my decision as it is fast. ( nah I actually delay it already, you don't know the story.)
Yeap, he might not be the best choice if we compare, if I compare. What we got at the beginning might not be the best, but it is not a decision for just a moment. We have time, things will change. If he is not the best for now,  I can make him the best choice in the future.
Love is not about getting the best person, but making a person better.

I chose you. I love you. I believe in you. I want you. ♥

You don't know how grateful I am that I found you. 

Thank you for choosing me. Thank you that you saw me.

几件事-新生活

好久没写几件事。

生活比我想象中更充实。其实更细节来说是风流快活。

这是学院生活开始后我觉得最伤士气的一天。我最怀疑自己的一天。

1. 学院生活难得不是学业，而是你担心的不再只是学业.
说不清除了学业还有什么要担心.要担心的事情太多,太多事情里包括未知。More is coming, and people are afraid of unknown. 

2. 靠自己.
这句话要做到很难,要别人相信更难.证明自己是个人的事,得到信任是别人的事.

3. 年龄.
我开始混淆我这个年龄应该是个怎么样的人.大家口说年龄不算什么,所以我一直以为做自己就好.但我开始质疑,18岁的我该背负什么责任,度过什么生活.其实有时候年龄不算什么只是大家把责任推给你的借口.

4. attached.
我责怪自己是个想要依赖的人.我也需就是那么一个需要被关心的堕落女,好听据说是空虚.我很容易习惯一个人的存在,我没办法摆脱一个人在生活和心里都存在着的人.可是我害怕依赖让我变得软弱.

5. 往前走.
我已经走了好远.我一直以为往前走很难,但生活其实已经把我推倒另一个地方.射手座,我往前走真的没办法回头.

6. 一针见血.
同学都说我一针见血.我真的觉得"慢慢被刀割几圈"比"一刀插死"来得痛.

7. 失眠.
原来失眠是假象.我不是睡不着,而是不想睡.我需要好多的成就感才能安心入睡.成就感在我眼里比睡眠可贵.最近入睡不再困难,虽然梦境还是一样惊险.

8. 朋友.
认识了好多人,每个人都有自己的故事.每个故事都有它值得学习的价值.

9. 书.
人家说遇见一个人像打开一本书,认识一个人是慢慢阅读书里的故事.我在想自己其实是不是只是本参考书,别人打开只是为了看他们想看的那一面.或许在遇见对的人之前,我们都至少图书馆里的参考书每天被借用,遇见了对的人,我们就是本值得拥有的百科全书.

10. 归属感.
在这里我找不到所谓的归属感,回家也开始变得陌生.我无时无刻都不自在.归属感到底从地方找还是从人找?

新生活没有特别顺利,却比我想象中开心.人生不需要完美,但缺陷不要只有悲伤.不完美不一定是破碎.

Strength.

Haven't update for 2 weeks. And that is half month if you don't feel long enough. This is a mentally tired post, I din't realized my mental has a worse stamina than my body.

So I started my college this week. Being away from parents and my teddy bear was so hard. I felt so empty without them. I could not hold myself from feeling homesick when home is always the biggest part of my life and family is the thing that make my heart keep on beating.

I know, I said I want to be independent. I still want to be, but life is too short. You will never know when will you lose what you love, so protect and appreciate them.

Currently feeling very down. There could have so much going on my life, always going on. I sometimes wonder do I really have so much to care? Or I am just taking the responsibility that does not even should be mine? Sometimes I just feel like my shoulder could be a little overloaded, it explains why do I feel so tired.

I don't mind doing more, just give me a reason. ( Singing pink song no la just kidding)
When I love you and could have care so much for you, be my strength to go on, not the burden to pull me down.

I know I have been too desperate on everything. I din't ask for anyone to understand, no one wanted to put their feet in one's shoes. But I have to say, I have lot of responsibilities. If I failed to do anything, it will not be just about me. I rather to give up on my happiness so that they could have one.

Let me count on someone like people count on me. I don't need someone to protect me, but someone who would face challenges together with me. 

几件事-另一个我.

没有开场白.有个叶可盈有点厌倦说话要婉转,要看情况.其实射手座本来应该直言直语的,不是吗?

1.沟通不重叠的叶可盈.
原来网络上的我和真实的我真的不一样.你无法想象面子书里那总是习惯骂脏话的我其实现实生活里不太说话.或许我就是那般习惯用文字沟通.生活上我能畅所欲言的人我从不和他们在面子书多聊.我不相信话题没有尽头.如果我写了好多字给你,也说了好多话让你听,那我生活和内心应该已被你占据,才会有说不完的话题.

2.乞丐般的叶可盈.
不是路边的乞丐,经济能力我比你想像中还独立.可是感情方面我却总像个乞丐,等着别人施舍一些友情给我.对不起,我就是那般高傲,受不了自己为了没有什么的友情而变得卑微.如果我的位子比你低,那谁来陪你看那美丽的风景?友情应该同行.

3.愚蠢的叶可盈.
被诈骗集团骗个彻底,多伤自尊心.我没损失一分一毫,但却赔了自尊心.惊讶自己从头都尾没怀疑过是场骗局.不对,我有感觉到有些情节不对.但骗局很倡促,没有时间停下来让你思考.原来受骗就是那样.太在乎会让人失去理智.

4.用愤怒解决悲伤的叶可盈.
不想说自己为什么伤心.只想找堆借口生气,甚至让自己变得讨人厌.生活把我逼到边缘,所以我也变得极端.很烂的借口,可是被讨厌我觉得好安全.

5.轻浮的叶可盈.
言语里满是轻浮.有部电影[不再让你孤独]里有句对白是"谢谢你让我踏踏实实地活在你的生活里".我想踏踏实实地活在谁的生活里,可惜我是独岛,大海漂浮要习以为常.无法寄生在大陆,或许我只需要等待另一座孤岛.

6.看了Oblivion 的叶可盈.
我不喜欢结局.49号的Jack Harper 和 52号的Jack Harper 永远都不一样.有的时候爱情不单是因为他是谁而爱,也可以包括因为和他经历了什么而爱.

7.看了忠烈杨家将的叶可盈.(没错我很威水一星期看两部电影)
我被郑伊健深深吸引.他饰演大哥再适合不过,人要有点经历才能表现出那点成熟的魅力.有点历练,人才会开始沉淀.

8.吃了第一次的Sushi King 的叶可盈.
其实我没有特别特别喜欢吃,只是想尝试.人生如果因为喜欢一样东西就不看别的东西,那人生不就有点可惜?橘子的[不只是朋友]里有一句: "当你眼中只有某个人,你眼睛你脑子都被那个人塞得满满的时候,你又怎么能够看得到其它人的好呢?" 人生只活一次,不嚐试没有下辈子. mamee 不吃也没有下辈子.

9.看完小说的叶可盈.
我终于看完最后一本小说[不只是朋友].很喜欢小说里的一句: “我想活在世界的尽头，背对着世界活.” 背对着你,就是世界尽头. 你了解更深一层的含义吗?

10.寻找影子的叶可盈.
活在记忆里,尝试让记忆里的习惯继续进行.寻找记忆的影子.活在记忆里还是影子里不重要,重点是活在那里只有黑暗.我没那么强,没有新东西,我舍弃不了旧事物.

再见.脑汁正式被榨干.我从上个月的9号到今天没有一天安眠,梦境偶尔刺激得可以和oblivion比较.更不要跟我提起每晚至少失眠一两个小时的事.

不是每个人都能理解舒服躺下是种幸福.

Childhood.

People often say their childhood is their best memories. They missed the time without worries, running at the field, talking to friend. Well, the statement is not legal in my life. Somehow my childhood is quite pathetic to think about.

I am going blog the Top 5 Saddest incident in my childhood.

No5. I used to be very forgetful.
Hard to believe but there were a few month during my standard 3, I forgot to bring my homework to school everyday. I done all of them but I just put in on table, never put it inside my bag. I could not count how many times I got rotan-ed by teacher for that stupid reason. I was probably being 鬼遮眼 during that few month. It is hard to believe someone can be so forgetful.

No4. I once sicked for half year.
Another stupid thing happened in my life. I was sicked for at least 3days(means some time it is even more than 3days) and the fever just came back every week. I rarely went to school that I din't even have chance to pay my school fees once. So you can imagine how often I was absent from school. Wonder how I healed? Typical Chinese way, my mother brought me to a temple. The explanation for my sickness was not scientific at all, I was scared by one really fierce teacher. Well...There is still no scientific explanation for it now. But who cares, I rarely sick now. ^.^

No3. I was once very dumb.
My performance in school was usually average only until I was standard 4. HAHAHA I don't even think I ever studied in the first 3 years in primary school because I have no memories of myself studied for exam. And I don't even remember myself having exam during standard 1. The last exam in standard 3 was the turning point in my life(not sure if it is a good change). I scored unbelievable good grades and accidentally became the top 10 student. Damn yah, I am pretty sure my friend and teacher suspected me cheating in exam. hahaha. And I think I gained some haters because I improved even more and maintained it after that. This pretty much explain the following sad incident in my childhood.

No2. Being involved in drama that I don't even know it existed.
I was happily running around the school ( yes I ran in school. Damn stupid but I think I quit that after one or two years). And suddenly my friend came and tell me XXX hate me(using XXX because wanted no offense to anyone and I actually forgot who is that.). I was only standard 1. Hell yah, I din't know girl are really so dramatic that they can make drama at any age and out of anyone. Then I was being very down because I think I trusted the girl that she said she hate me.

And now Tadaaaaah............ ( playing drum)

No1. Being ignored and hated.
The most pathetic incident in my childhood is that I was always being hated by someone. The worst case that ever happened is there was one time, one of the girl in our class were throwing a birthday party. She invited the whole class but me. I think my close friend also not invited, did they get invited? Wait, who is my close friend at that time? Of course I would be upset at that time and what was worse. They said I cared about my reputation so much that I was upset for not invited to a party. Damn yah, they really hate me alot. Not to forgot to mention, there are always someone trying to say bad things about me too. Some even tricked me to say bad things about other, well I think I did a neutral comment about that person and it turned out to be a huge drama which involved the teacher. I was being blamed when it was not my fault also and no one trusted me.

So my childhood are mostly abut the backstabbing friend, hosting the dramas which I don't even know how it came out, being hated, being ignored, worried about grades and a lot other negative things. Even I did well in something, there will also someone saying all I got is just luck, I am not that good to qualify for any thing. And I am still being judged by others until now and still there are tons of people doubt about my ability.

But come on, you think my 12 years of dramas and being judged is a waste ah? I have super strong immunity towards drama now. Words can't bring me down.

几件事.习惯.

似有似无的惯例.我好像每写了一两个英文post 就会写华文.这又是个筹集了几件事,一些感想的post. 我没想好大纲,反正人生有太多即兴的事.

1. 白发.
今天看见一位女士,头发直而柔顺,可是因为上了年纪所以柔顺的头发中参杂了些白发.真感概.何必急着染上五颜六色的头发,你沉闷的黑发再过二三十年也依然会被白发淘汰.要走的事物你留不住.

2.目标.
忽然觉得自己的理想太抽象.世上真的没那么多富翁,也没那么多公主.也许理想是抽象的,目标是明确的.我是时候踏踏实实设下目标,无怨无悔为实现目标努力.

3.幸福.
最近幸福变得有限.对未来的幸福似乎抱了太多憧憬.和喜欢的人住在豪宅里也许不是幸福而是奢华.和相爱的人一起乘着火车走片天涯海角也许不是平凡而是幸福.

4.小说
2012年最后一个晚上(没错,我记得很清楚因为那晚和重要的人过.我对那人重不重要不重要,我知道他对我有多重要就好.反正这世界就是他妈的没有公平.没有人会用你对待他的方式对待你.)我买了4本小说.刚开始的时候一口气读了两本,可是后来发生了一堆我没读小说的心情的事.然后,这两天终于读了第三本.读完了.第四本的内容.... 我还在说服自己去读的过程中.

5.穷.
就说我读小说.小说主角背景好气势,总经理(而且还是帅气的总经理).然后帅气的总经理却老是被女主角们说穷得只剩下钱.也许富有真的不是用金钱衡量,用金钱衡量到最后也许真的会穷得只有钱.不过最近我好像要穷得连钱都没有.

6.回忆.
我那天很无聊所以翻开了以前(其实是一年前)的status.结果对于自己写过类似脑残还是我可以直接说没脑的事感到很迷惑.我是他妈的脑袋在想什么.然后对于评论的人就更迷茫.虽然明确记得是个曾经熟悉的人(至少我没对这名字发呆这是他妈的哪位,前阵子就发生了这种事),可是原来是那种夸张的熟悉.

7.催眠.
不知道是催眠成功还是我是发自内心.我还真对建筑材料有了好奇心.所以,人会做他们相信的事.

8.损友.
其实损不损不是重点,可是有个还不错的朋友真的很不错.如果你是个骂脏话的人,就找个那样的人.找个不评论你的生活但提醒你的人生的朋友.

9.邋塌.
我发现我其实真有点邋塌.书桌这方面.要解释有点烦.但书桌上的东西完全超过书桌上该有的东西.还有其实我总是喜欢逃避正经的事.虽然我的生活很一塌糊涂,可是我觉得我的人生还算井然有序(不要怀疑,我不会这个成语.感谢google 大师). 或许我只是要找个人来打点我这邋塌糊涂的生活,钟点女佣太中用.

10.习惯.
习惯这事很恐怖,尤其是习惯一个人.习惯总是在不知不觉下培养.习惯也在你不知不觉下改变,人也不声不响下离开.一个人有多习惯就看失去后他有多不舍.没办法用言语或行动表达有多习惯.可是我们可以用言语和眼泪来表达我们多不舍.

11.忘记.
人想要忘记什么之前,其实就已经想起什么.忘记也许就不能刻意.

12.思念.你他妈的放心,我适应能力很强.总有天会习以为常.

Maldives. -曾经想要一起走的路我还不想一个人走.-

Growing up.

I know I haven't blog for awhile. Okay, maybe not just awhile and my last post was pretty emotional. But I am fine now, more than just fine. Life has been... empty for the past 6 days since I quit my job. Been filling my emptiness by playing "flow free" and I am done with the 300levels yesterday. I cheated a few level wby watching walkthrough for the first few step, 14X14 is really hard. I will never be used to free time, I found myself happiest in the days that I was really really busy. I want to accomplish something before I go to bed everyday. Sense of accomplishment is always a big part of my life. It makes me proud of myself.

Many may have notice that I have very low confident for myself, I felt that I am never good enough, especially when I am always surrounded by people who are more outstanding than me in all different kind of aspects. I am not smarter nor talented than others. I can get a good result, but never good enough to be the best. I can draw, but never looks prettier than others. All these time I was living in shadow, people always pay attentions at people around me more than me. I was always wondering, how good I need to be till they can see me.I also have a really excellent sister that she is really smart, probably most talented person in art I ever know, always more independent than me, able to make decision without unnecessary doubts and worries like me. In the deep of my heart is really impress by all the good things about her, but it eventually lower my confident for myself.

Maybe I underestimate myself a little bit. Maybe I am slightly better than I thought who I am.

Don't take the following words in a wrong way, but I just have this thoughts about sharing what I have done recently.

So after I got my SPM result which is consider as good, I considered about other university or college instead of my first choice because people tell to me reconsider. People suggest that I can go somewhere better. I thought about it and I decided to stick with my original plan. I realized that what is better does not mean it is the best for me. I chose my own path.

I rented a room around my college, pay the deposit and rental fees with my own money. I din't have enough cash, I borrowed but I promised to return. I was broken, I ran out of cash but I was really happy to receive the keys. I know it is not my property yet, but at least I am not depending on anyone to get myself a place to sleep.

I went to college for a second time and listen to the lecture again. My first consult for the course I am taking was not clear enough. This time, I understood more about what I will be doing in my future. It sounds harder when I know more, but I am not afraid. I am ready to take challenges. I handed up my application form on that day, and waited for the confirmation message.

I could not wait for any longer, I go on their website to check my status last night. I was accepted, with scholarship, my first choice program. I was grateful. I can feel that my life is really on the right path, it can't go wrong. I received the message this morning, feeling silly for myself could wait for another night, but it does not matter.

Not sure if people know or even care, I am not born in a well educated family, both of my parent don't even own a PMR certificate. That is something usual at their young times. I can even say that my father could not even write A-Z. Going to college or university is something they never thought of until few years ago when my sister wanted to. The society nowadays will not hire someone with only SPM qualification when nearly everyone have something better than that. My sister is smart, she knows that well. She struggled to get a higher education, I seen everything. Ever since that, I know I gotta save up all my money and study really hard to get myself there, in college.

So all these year, I would never simply spend my red packets money so that today, I will not have to ask for money to buy my laptop or pay my rental. How many of you will understand how hard I tried to achieve that and how much I have gave up so that I can finally come to this level.

It was not easy. I could have buy a guitar I used to love with those money, drink Starbucks every time I went out, buying all the clothes I like. I did non of those. All my clothes can only fill up half of a small closet and I wear my clothes until they were torn. I gave up on my interests. I will only allow myself to eat or drink something expensive when I think I deserve it. I think I tried really hard, maybe still not harder than other, but I think I did the best I could.

Coming to the new stage of life, I understand that I have to push myself even harder. Nothing will be the same or any simple. I am ready to learn and if I really have to push myself to the limit, I don't mind. I am ready to breakthrough myself. I know I can't be the little protected girl at home anymore, I will learn to be independent. I will learn to do things alone.

Today, I did my banking all by my own. It was stressful, I was so worried that if anything goes wrong, I know my mother will probably screw me up as she taught me twice. Luckily everything is fine. And tonight, I decided to treat my parent a dinner. I promised them when I got my result. I brought them to Secret Recipe, they was surprised by the price range because they usually would not spend that much for a dinner except something special happened. The dinner cost me around RM80 but I am proud of myself. I pay with joy. I know that RM80 is not enough to return what my parent gave me. They have done much more than that. But I will take every single chances to thank my parent for what they have done for me, even with my limited ability. I want to do everything I can, whether with my limited ability or not. Life is too short to wait.

After all, I just want to say, I am proud of myself today. Growing up is never something bitter. Kids have their simple happiness, but growing up and solving problem give us another form of happiness which is sense of accomplishment. Don't be afraid to grow up or push yourself across the line, you don't know what is waiting for you.

你的时钟在转动,我的时间在停留.

时间停留而迟了的weekly update. 慢慢地从weekly update 到monthly update.其实我的人生没有很充实,没有很多在进行的事,可是我还是觉得时间不够.

不喜欢睡觉的原因是我觉得自己清醒的时刻太短暂.我眼睛开着却看不见事实,耳朵没封闭却听不见心声.

不说了,来点每星期的心情语录.

1. 拿到SPM成绩了,我走了些狗屎运拿到了10As.
原来他妈的没人想过我会拿这成绩,而我是第一个否定自己的人.那早上口出狂言10A就请家人吃富丽华,结果我还真的拿到了.然后我还是觉得富丽华不够好吃,也没有可以一起吃的人.其实SPM 考得怎样到最后在乎的人始终是你自己,没有人会因为你而改变什么事情.

2. 原来大家眼里的我很普通.
原来我长着一副平凡的样子,说出我的成绩大家也只会当我在开玩笑.我曾经以为自己能散发与众不同的气质,才发现大家眼里的我是那样的一文不值.

3. 快乐需要分享.
拿到成绩一瞬间好想和谁分享,才发现找个真心的祝贺好难.原来快乐需要分享,才会变得有力量.一个人的成就其实是种孤独,一群人的愚蠢其实是种幸福.一个人的快乐等于一分快乐,两个人的快乐等于两分快乐,依此类推.

4. 被看得起的瞬间才发现你在谁心里被作贱.
被另眼相看的瞬间才发现谁没把你看在眼里.要真正被正视很难,因为想否定你的人终会有否定的借口.不要高看他人,也不要低谷自己,学会适当地一视同仁.

5. 拿成绩时名字被念错了.
我的名字其实不奇怪,但人类才是奇怪.我的 Ke 其实和国文里 的ke一样,可是人类想太多就念成ki. 一辈子里只有一个老师第一次就念对,我习以为常. 本来觉得自己应该有点无辜,可是我没有.别人眼里我是谁不重要,重要的是我知道我是谁. 

6. 理智.
我一直觉得自己是个感性的人,写着这篇文章的原因或许就是叶可盈里有永远抛不下的感性.可是也许我成长,也许我被影响,我开始有点理智. 叶可盈有她抛不下的感性,却也开始和理智共存.偶尔在想,这样的我会不会和自己打起架来.

7. 信任.
信任是个深厚的感情.信任可以让你喜欢一个人,但喜欢不会让你信任一个人.所以我一直相信信任才是感情的基础,而最后感情是哪种情则是天意.

8. 成全.
即使我不是你的幸福,但你的幸福里有我的祝福.成全也许就是那么一句话.

9. 工作最后一星期.
其实离开真的不简单.其实我真的想看见他们长大.

10. 其实我没有梦想.
我的人生目标只有两个字:挥霍.

11. 华文.
我也许没说也没做,其实我真的爱华文.幸好没放弃,要不然SPM少了个A. 你以为执着可以得到的其实是徒劳无功,你以为被迫接受的委屈其实是个收获.

12.我的心.
我其实还是选择坚持.选择等待.等待时间改变我们.等待机会让我们重生.等待缘分让我们再次变成我们.

You may be down, but you don't drown.

Pretty much the down side of my life again. March.

I never forgot what happen on March'12. It was painful to be remembered, but the pain is what made it hard to forget.

Been feeling that I ran out of oxygen for more than 30 mins. It happens a lot these day. And It just got worsen everyday, just like the back pain. I called it down side of my health.

So I been thankful for what I had last month. I know I was really happy and couldn't be more happy because I had everything except health. I knew I was lucky and I was also aware that I would lost it. I knew what will happen, happiness don't last. At least it don't last in my life.

But losing is always painful no matter how many times you have been through.

This is when I lost my mind. I just could not think properly. I admitted that I am weak. I am never strong enough to face these.

And now, I am convincing myself.I will fine, just fine. I just needed more time.

It is true. but it is never good enough to make me feel better now.

I am already down, all I can hope now is I don't drown.

Five years.

It is coming. The SPM result. I haven't thought much about it as it would not bring much effect to my life except my financial.

I have been thinking, how many chances do I still have to go back to my secondary school? A place that make me who I am now.

I was once a little girl that everyone would love. Okay maybe just the adult, I was not that welcomed by others to be friend. The adult used to thought I was polite,I have a good discipline, or anything good that people would say about other kids. That is what they see. That is how I behaved in front of them. Well, that was years ago.

Going to secondary school is a big turning point in my life, or probably everyone's. I hardly remember every single details of the five years that I had passed through in my secondary school. Not all memories are favorable and I have a very bad habit. I just could not remember bad things.

Before I forget, I have to take this chance. A chance for me to note down the details of my five years growing up as much as possible.

From standard six to Form one.
I got into the second class. Ibnu Khaldun. The weirdest name I ever saw, not knowing that one day it will be the name that I have to memorize to get A in history. There were only two Chinese in the class. Coming from a Chinese school to a class that only had two Chinese, it was just so hard. We were so lost. I could not catch what were the teachers saying. I had hard time communicate with my classmate. I could not do my homework. And I was once thought it was not that important to do homework in secondary school, bad influence from the family. But then I found a friend, a very best friend and she is my classmate, M . We had to help each other in class, we have no choice, we were the only Chinese. But she was weak, she was always absent and I was always alone. It made things harder. I was lonely, afraid and helpless. I am someone introvert,I have hard time making new friends. I used to followed behind her. She is cute and charming, and I am not. Somehow I felt unappreciated, I was hoping for a little more attention. I din't want anyone come to me just to ask where she is. Even so, I have to say she is a really good friend, we cheer each other up when sadness is consuming us. The year was not a good start for my friendship, but I am grateful that my luck was still with me in studies. My studies was not that good anymore, but at least, I din't failed anything. I was extremely lucky in my KHB and geography. Never intended to study my geography nor history. Thanks god and teachers, I passed all the subject and got into the first class next year.

Well, I got into that class not because I was more excellent than others, but the school have the policy to make sure every class have a balance percentages of different races. And I could not go to any classes other than the first two classes because of my KHB.

Not to forgot to mention, I went to my very first and only camping that year. Not really camping with tent but sleeping in aircond-ed room. It was 2D1N and we spend our first day with endless bengkel for science and maths. Climbed a hill for very first time on the next day. And I was so frustrated because the journey to climb up to the hill was so damn hard and long and it was such a short journey to go back to the base. :(

So the lonely Form 2 days started. 

Being the only Chinese in the class. I was chosen as the treasurer, not a good position to hold. I was not thick-faced enough to ask money from others. I sat beside 2 Indian friends. Trying very hard to communicate with them, and slowly improve my English and Bahasa Malaysia. They were very kind to me, they din't abandoned me. I remember my class teacher was a Chinese, Puan Low. She was once asking me, do you want to switch class? I can help you. Even the teacher could not see me being alone in the class. My mom was worried. I was depressed. I was stressed. Everyday I went to school, waiting for recess so that I could talk to M. I wait for every classes that the two class would combine. But she was always absent. I drowned in disappointment. That year, I improved my result alot. I had no one to talk to in class, so I end up paying full attention to teacher. Being legendary in Maths and KHB. Once again, I was fighting to get full mark in Maths and 90% above in KHB. Both subject are related to calculations, I was very confident about it.

The same year, things din't much went well between M and I. I was just so sad that why can't she make it to school when she knew that I would be alone. My loneliness turned into anger. She met new friends too, people that can have a greater bond with her. Our friendship was not strong enough that we could pass through that much of problems. I have to admitted that I am really a bad friend. My family din't like her and I din't try hard enough. I was also sometimes secretly jealous that she could join the cheerleading team that I been dying to join but I couldn't because my family din't allowed me. It was my fault.

That was my first 2 years of secondary school, in afternoon session. Before I forgot, the two years in afternoon also became memorable because of our Chinese class. M and I had no class to use so we would have to travel to many places with our teacher, Puan See to have our lesson. We had classes in bengkel, empty classes, canteen, teacher's room and other random places that I could not remember. I think we even once at the pondok to have our lesson.

Moved on to morning session again, being a Form 3 student.
M and I were finally in the same class again. The two classes that separated us were finally combined because there were too little students. I was overjoyed. We became so close again and that year, I was braver than I used to be. I started to skip school. I was so stressed by my studies and homework. I chose to run away. I was really stupid. I paid more attention in doing other things. I met new friends, found new interests. I fall in love with music. Tried to learn guitar but gave up once again because family would not allow me. Hanged out with my friends so much. Went to friend's house, to karaoke, to lunch. I was not allowed to do all that with my friends before this. Been having so much fun until PMR was finally around the corner. I had intensive revision with M.  She came to my place everyday, did lots of practices. And at the part of my life, I am actually very thankful to someone that had did so much for me. He accompanied M and I to study, always entertained us, brought McD for me. And now I still remember the first strawberry sundae I ate. ( Obviously I am craving for it. )

And the luck stood by me, I got 7A1B. I was just so surprise, and happy. It was unexpected. How could I ask for this result when I chose to have fun instead of study for my future. Once again, I have to be really thankful for this. And Thank you for every single person i met in these three years, thank you for the memories and the help.

And then, Form 4.
I swear I never wanted to be in science stream. It was a long and complicated story about how i got into science stream. But it was good for me. I din't know about it. I was once in depression about study in a science stream, getting further away from my old friends. We studied different subject, our class were not in the same building. We used to wait for each other to go canteen during recess, but nothing last long. I forgot how did we turned out this way. We are now someone we used to know. Then, I had another bunch of people in my life. I came to another stage of life which is completely different than what I had before. I started to do every single homework again under the influence of my new classmate. I am finally on the right path again. I studied hard. I lived with passion again. I lived my dream that year. I made my very first house model. Did lots of things that I love, every day for a very long period of time. I was busy, but I felt alive. I could not ask for more, everything was just too great for me. I was once again having good result that I had lost for such a long time. I was being treated as someone competitive again, finally. I had finally become who I should be again.

Everything has an ending, so does my secondary school life.
The one last year,I got into the first class again. I was proud, I got it with my own ability. I will never forgot how one of my teacher said about I am not qualified for the first class. But life is unexpected, I made an mistake. I chose the wrong friend again. I was not aware about how it might harm me. The beginning of the year was just tough, I was weak and scared. I was also surrounded by other problems. I tried so hard to be strong. It din't work really well. I lost someone and what is worse  is that, I lost myself too. Once again, I was lucky. I healed even it took a long time. I focused on my SPM, even it was a little too late. I keep myself away from others. I stayed in a small group. I just felt that I have no more strength to face all of the society game anymore. I think I made the right choice. I love the people who I chose to be with and now, I still love them, or even more.

Five years. It seems to be just a small part of one's life. We often underestimate things that seems so small but it is wrong. We don't always need a major change in life to be a different person. Who we were and what we passed through is what made us who we are now. My five years of secondary school life was not perfect all the time. But I am very grateful that I had lived 2 completely different life in 5 years. I had tasted the both life of being a bad student and good student. I don't live a perfect life, but a colourful one.

The sun will sets and the darkness will arrives.

But the star will still shines and the sun will still rises.

几件事.

1.我不曾否认自己是个多愁善感的人. 我知道自己的情绪化会把身边的人都吓跑.

但我依然选择相信.
我相信想得多总比想得少好.
我相信总有个人会耐得住我的情绪.

2. 工作剩下一个月, 离开后谁还会记得我?
她是否会记得曾经有个老师帮她查了字典?

他是否会记得我曾经奖励他糖果?

她是否会记得我曾经一笔一画教她写华语?

他是否会记得我曾经陪他做了好多数学题?

离开后的我,是否会成为思念.

3. 等了六年... 还是七年. 我期待着那奔向未来的日子.
没意外那日子会在两个月后来临.

我是否真的准备就绪?
两个月后我是否会真的改变?

两个月若我真离开了. 我是否真的离得开?

4. 离开前我是否真的做了我都该做了的事.

我在这个地方累计的回忆足够了吗?
老了以后我是否有足够的记忆让我回味?

离开以后,我是否会留下空位.还是我只是转眼就能被期待的那一位.

5. 被讨厌. 还是不被喜欢.

这种事情其实老是发生.虽然大家眼里的我人缘比正真的我好得太多.

渐渐地习以为常.

后来的我已经当成家常便饭.更忍不住想....

如果哪天,讨厌我的人里,出现了自己.

6. 曾经想如果自己连5个credit 也拿不到.

拿不到5个credit , 我要怎么进college. 这问题我曾经好奇.

今天突然好现实的想, 如果我连5个credit 也拿不到...

别说是college. 我想我应该会直接进棺材.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" 虽然很难,因为纸短情长,但写不下的,你一定知道.''

他妈的李大仁让我对别的连续剧都失去了兴趣.

Gimme All The Red Packets!!!

Here it is a quick update for my Chinese New Year. I mean cheat post. :P

I only did CNY shopping for once this year... So I bought really fast that I sort of regretted. I even bought without trying. Oh money, may you found someone better. But overall there are still a few pieces that it comes out better than I thought and I still love them. The biggest mistake I ever made in this whole shopping disaster was I din't get any pants for casual outing. Instead of getting casual skirt or pants, I bought a formal pants for work which I am very regret now. The pants was really just... nothing good about it. I just don't like the shape so much. But I am just getting bored of formal dress to work everyday.

So I finally understand that one of the biggest dilemma in working is your everyday outfit repeats.

Well back to topic, my Chinese New Year.

Talking about CNY, we have to start it with the new year eve.

This year, my family was celebrating a different CNY because we got 2 new member in the family. Brother got married last year and his son was born on last November. I am now an aunt. Usually we would visit all our grandparents which are both my father and mother side and my sister's babysitter on new year eve. My sister got a very strong bond with her babysitter that she even look like their family more than us.... /_\ This year my mom nagged that she wants to spend more time with her grandson so all these usual things we do on new year eve got cancelled. Our new year eve was spent with the little boy which I can see him being evil at the age of not even 3 months. I see it coming. The evil genes runs in the family. The genes works the best with me, I am the most evil in the family. Everyone got trolled by me especially my brother. Well, I obviously have found someone better to replace me.

So nothing much happened on my new year eve. Except that I started my Chinese New Year beautifully and happily with a call.

So that is the long quick update about my new year eve. lol We can now move on to the real CNY. Nin Chor Yat, first day of CNY. :D

My family followed the couture of being vegetarian on the first day of CNY. Well I never realized that until I was in primary school. I was nagging that I want to eat dried meat on first day of CNY then I realized we are not allowed to have meat on that day. lol Back to my Day 1,we went to all the places that we are supposed to visit on new year eve. And we finally started to gamble at that night. LOL

Few shots to show you how I look on that day. :P

 Studded hairband made by myself. Call me a genius now. Or not. lololol

Handmade necklace by myself again. LOLOL Din't notice it was inverted until my sister told me. But I am still talented. okay maybe just a little.

Okay You had enough of photos. We can now talk about CNY Day 2. lol

My day 2 was... abit trolled. hmph.
Everything was fine. I visited my friend. ( There is no friendS because I seriously only got one friend to visit. Anti-social kid. ) And then I got home. Mom was back to her old folks home to gamble. ( No wonder the gamble genes is in my body.) So my father, sister and I was planning to have our dinner at the 21st century cafe. The moment when we was about to go out, mom called and told us that she is coming back. 

We all went abit like 'haiya no more 21st century already la.' because mom just not a fan of western food or having a meal at places that she is not used to. That is why I have been eating the same food in my whole life.

Surprisingly mom tolerated and we went to 21st century cafe to have our dinner. But it was a wrong choice,huge mistake. I have never been to any restaurant that is more.... bullshit than this one. I can't use any proper word to describe them. They are just bullshit.

They changed their menu and price. All the drinks are RM10.90. Their staffs told us that we will have the drinks in a milk bottle shaped bottle and we are allowed to bring it home. We look at other tables and we realized that the bottle has really low capacity so we ordered soft drinks.  And they actually brought us just the can and straw. They don't even give us glasses and ice. We requested for it and they told us Tak Ada.

Good Job man, like I am drunk before I drink until I would believe you don't have any glasses in one whole big restaurant. One CNY and you throw away all your glasses? hmph. 

And the food just shitty that night. May your cafe closed soon. 

Day 2 outfit. So pink. LOL

Day 3... I forgot how did I spend it. I think din't even go to anywhere that is why there is no Day 3 outfit. lol

Day 4. I only remembered that I din't like my outfit that much except my pants makes me look so tall that everyone started to say OMG how come you look so tall. And I remember we visited one of my aunt house after 10.00. very late. very bad. lol

Day 5, also the valentine's day. I started the day with a call to someone special right on time. And went to father's boss house for his open house at night. Their guard house can scan IC one, PRO OR NOT?! lol totally being small town girl by overreacting to scanning-IC-guard house.

Then the tragedy happened. I lose Rm42 bucks in 10 minutes. T_T most of the money I won for the past few day just went away in a blink of eye. FML. T_T

Outfit for Day 5 combo Valentine's.

Anyway, I love the dress I wore on that day. Somehow it makes me look more skinny.

So today is Day 6 and I only went to one relative's home. and outfit is repeating already. Goodbye people.

Happy Chinese New Year.

NOW TAKE ALL THE RED PACKETS.

For the society and the kids.

Oh my, it is another weekend. Time passed so fast when I am working or I am happy. Or even both, just exactly like what I am now. My life has been full of happiness from every aspect, except health. Been sicked, hurt, and pained in these 2 months, but I am glad I was not alone to face them all. My life is now too great to be imagine by myself before. Never thought that I could have all of these, and I am living and trying hard to protect what I have now.

Life is all about fighting for what you want and protecting what you have, isn't it?

So after working as an teaching assistant for more than a month, I am now finally get used with children. I have to admit that I am not really a children-loving person as sometimes they are really naughty or their innocence may really hurt my dignity.

Just like yesterday, a 15 years old boy came to our center. One of the student saw him and his height, she directly asked me : "Teacher, why are you so short?" Or sometimes I just hate people who doubted my ability.

It is okay. I can handle these now. My EQ is now well trained.

But I would still consider it was a fun and enjoyable job. Their innocence maybe offensive sometimes, but we can still find the funny one.

One day, I was teaching a 7 years old little girl Bahasa Malaysia. Then I saw this word, KAKAK which have the meaning of "sister". I am pretty sure every single educated Malaysian knows what it means. And I even think it was a word that is taught in kindergarten.

But my job is to make sure she understood, so I still asked her : "What is KAKAK?" She showed me a confident and IKnowWhatIsIt-face to me and answer my question loudly. Really loudly.

" MAID!!!"

I was sad and feeling funny for that answer. We as Malaysian had formed this couture of having a maid called KAKAK in the country and the couture is now deeply affecting the new generation. Kakak is now understand as maid but not sister. I corrected her immediately and she showed me her innocent face. Aww, sorry for that. And I never hear her speaking loud in class anymore. I have to make her repeat for a few times to hear her answer.

And today we have class with a 6 years old little girl. Having tuition at the age of 6 is probably the thing I never wanted to see. And I am very glad and proud that I never have or needed any tuition in my life. It was something that I am very thankful. So when my colleague was teaching her science, there was a diagram of aquarium. My colleague was trying to tell her it was used to rears fish and the little girl do have fishes at home.... But they are just not in an aquarium, but a pond.

She shouted excitedly when she was describing the pond she have in her house : BUT MY HOUSE ONE BIG BIG CANNOT TAKE OUT ONE!

Poor little girl, she don't even know what is mountain, cloud nor aquarium yet but she already have tuition in her life.

The economy ability of our society is improving. We can now provide the younger generation a better environment and they have everything convenient. But are we giving them what they really need? Do a little child really need a phone or a tablet? Are they really smart enough for internet yet? Are they really ready to take what we give them now? From what I see, the parents nowadays seems to provide their children everything that they thought it was good. But it was good for the children, or the parents?

To be honest, I am against children having high-technology product too early. I just can't find any thing good about it. They will be addicted to it. They will be chasing the trend. Why should we let the children be poisoned by these product? I even consider that as another form of abuse. At my point of view, giving them the correct education is the real thing we should do. Nurturing the correct moral value should be the things that we are doing for them. Giving them happy and healthy childhood is something we should do for them.

Rethink what are you doing for the children. Sometimes loving is not about giving what you can give, but giving what they need. Do not harm them with your love when you never have the intention to do that, but it happens. Love them in the right way. Lead them to the right path.

By the way, a little joke to be shared before I end my post. So one day I was preparing lesson and the topic was simple present tense. I was so lack of idea in making question but a funny and evil idea popped out from my mind in a sudden. So I told my colleague.

"Hey, I can make the student say that you are handsome indirectly. I make a question "you ( are , is ) handsome." And you ask her to read after she is done. Then she will tell you that you are handsome."

LOLOLOL If you get my bad joke.

友情表面吗.

朋友之间存在真的了解吗?

原来我不了解我的朋友.有些事情也许我们没发现,但偶尔我们对身边的人了解的很少.

一群朋友一起出去,讨论着吃什么.我们是否能清楚说出对方喜欢吃什么.还是其实,我们一直都只是在选择了大家都能接受的餐厅.

朋友生日到了,我们是否能清楚知道对方需要些什么?而礼物又该怎么包装?他到底喜欢直接了断打开就看见礼物的盒子,还是喜欢别人用心地用礼物纸包装?

天天看见朋友了,我们是否知道看不见他们的时候他们都和谁过?和家人吗?还是他们还有存在着别的朋友?

你知道你的朋友在什么环境下成长吗?你知道你朋友的爸爸妈妈从事那个行业吗?你知道你的朋友有几个兄弟姐妹吗?你知道他是否对任何事物敏感吗?你知道他不喜欢吃什么吗?你知道他不喜欢别人做什么吗?你知道他最喜欢做什么吗?你知道遇上不同的事情他会是什么心情会怎么应付吗?你知道他对人生有什么理想吗?

你了解你的朋友吗?

我们都看见了朋友让我们看见的那一面,那我们看不见的那一面呢?你可曾想要知道?

如果我们只看见了朋友让我们看见的那一面,那我们的友情是不是就很表面?

真正的了解存在吗?

有没有那么一位朋友,不需要你开口,通过观察就能了解你.

你不喜欢吃什么,你没说,他知道.

你喜欢做些什么,你没说,他知道.

你心里想些什么,你没说,他知道.

你的笑容真切吗?还是那是伪装的快乐?

你没流泪的难过呢?他看得见吗?

有没有,那么一个可以鉴定你的心情的朋友?

那样的了解,存在吗?

朋友没说的话,你是否曾经努力去听?

朋友没流的泪,你是否曾经尝试去擦?

有些友情,

不是朋友说了什么所以你知道他些什么.

而是你的朋友没说什么,而你却看见了什么.

这样的了解,存在吗?

橘子有本书说过,

如果，我把什麼都告訴妳，那麼，我還能剩下多少的我自己？

友情的拿捏我们都学不会.

那样的了解是否应该存在.

你觉得呢?

The so called 2013 resolutions.

One week passed so fast. It is another weekend. What am I bullshitting here? Everyone know it is weekend. lol

So 2013 started... neutrally for me. Good things and bad things they all happen which is expected. I would say 2012 trained me so well that I am all ready to take new challenges in 2013. While everyone was wishing and hoping 2013 to be a good year, I just thought that I don't need a good year. All I wanted was that my time will never be wasted. So what if nothing goes well? It is what make us stronger. Life can never be easier if we did not become stronger. 

So this year I will be going college which is part of my plan for my whole life. I did thought about going to university instead of college, but life is not always under my control. Thought about taking all sort of courses and I end up with what I was encourages to take 2 years ago.

I never expected myself able to forget about design nor writing, but instead of these dream, I have something else bigger to be pursuit.

I want to be rich. I want a house most preferable a condominium, well decorated and located in the city's center. I want to earn a lot. I want to travel to so many places. I want branded things. I want a car( more than one also can wtf) . I want fame. I want to be jealous by others instead feeling jealous. 

I am superficial. I am materialistic. But at least I want something, I fight for it. 

Anyways, these are what I want in long life in long term. The possibility that I can achieve any of these in 2013 is.... 0 % I would say. What? I am just saying the truth, going to college is a river for the money to swim out to the sea. wtf

So I set a few simple thing to accomplish in 2013.

Few things I need to buy this year. 

#1 laptop laptop laptop. 

No I mean one laptop not three. Been wanting a laptop since forever and now I can finally buy it. Anyway I am also seeking for IT pro since... I am kinda clueless about what laptop to get. Do offer your help if you feel like doing so. 

#2 Earphone

Followed by the laptop coming and the break down of all my earphone, I gonna need a ( or two) head set. One for my coming laptop if things go well and another one for my phone. 

#3 New phone. I hope.

My little SE button phone is dying. HAHA. I can't help myself from mentioning the BUTTON PHONE. Anyway it turn off when ever it knocked something hard or when I am calling. I was in the middle of a phone call and it turned off. I wanted a smart phone but I will not have any income after I got into college, how do you think I gonna pay my bills? 

Ask from parent? just not my style. I spent enough of their money I think.

Eh wait, if I get a new phone, earphone is along it.  lolololololololol wtf

The following will be a list of random things I want. 

#4 A leather wallet.

I am a leather freak.

#5 A new bottle. 

Preferable it to be thermos. I love coffee. Or I am just addicted.

#6 Hair Treatment.

HAHA. I know it is random but I desperately want my hair to be good again so that I can dye my hair.

#7 Hair dye after my hair is nourished again. 

I am now super hardworking using hair product everyday! REALLY SMOOTHER LERH! Even though Mom don't really want me to dye my hair, but I want to change. I want changes. I want to try some lighter colour. I want to be different.

#8 I need new clothes seriously.

Since I am working now, my outfit has been keep repeating every week. It is just so bored. lol Wanted more clothes so that I can match something out of it again. :O

HAHA I din't ask for anything ridiculous. The price range is very fine okay.

So the following are the things I want to do in 2013

#1 Work HARD

Working very hard already. 10 hours a day for that salary. I don't even sure about what is giving me strength to continue already.

#2 STUDY like really study.

It may sound fake... or stupid.. or any negative thoughts. But I did felt that I never really study very very hard in my life. Been watching tv during my UPSR, been busy hanging out and skip school during PMR, and busy online during SPM. SO if I really got into college. Perhaps... Just PERHAPS I might forget about having too much fun in my life and study really hard to get the scholarship. 

放下屠刀,立地成佛.

well. I mean forget about part of the entertainment not all.

well. I mean I will try.

#3 no take my social circle as a joke.

I met enough jerk and bitches. 

#4 I hope I at least travel locally for one times this year. 

I can't count how many years din't I travel. 

#5 Blog Hard.

I am still secretly and publicly hoping my blog will make a legend. Come on, I did try very hard. I have no idea how to attract readers. :( I mean like... I don't blog nonsense about every single detail in my everyday life. I shared the best part with all of you. :(

SO I wish you to LIVE HARD, LAUGH HARD and CRY HARD in 2013.

搞笑行动 #5 包子女 & #6 PLKN

今天虽然过得很狗屎,可是还是循例来更新了.

反正人生就是一团狗屎嘛.

#5 - 包子女.

生活在马来西亚,作为一位年轻人,我一直无法了解大家的trend. 虽然我年少疯狂时也曾经常常超短裤出门.其实比起大家的短裤,亦是比内裤更短的那些短裤,我还是输了一大截.

也曾经很想拉直头发,剪个刘海旁边留下一大堆头发修饰脸型,可是因为家人不太喜欢的因素所以我没办到.然后现在去剪头发,发型师都会很认真地推荐我把头发拉直,因为我的头发实在太散了.可是我就是典型的懒女人啊,包养头发这种事实在太麻烦了.所以头发干到不行,而且工作后每天都用吹风筒吹干头发.所以头发和打工人生一样dry.所以拉直的话应该会断掉一堆头发.所以拉直还是染发我都没做到.

我也曾经化妆出门.所谓的化妆其实只有眼线.后来我也还不过是个懒女人,化妆难,卸妆更难.所以这种事情发生几次后就告一段落了.而且同龄女孩们的化妆技巧我实在不懂得欣赏.在眼头加上明显的白色眼线是我一直无法理解的事.虽然日本彩妆也有这门技巧,可是我没理解错误的话,白色眼线只是为了打亮眼头,其实化了也不明显.可是我看见大家的白色眼线都是一堆白色眼线在眼头,很明显很不自然.所以我一直无法理解它的美.

所以我一直怀疑自己是不是品味太成熟,还是大家的审美观跟我不一样.又或是本地的流行趋向真的....不怎么样.但是我对自己的品味还是有那么一点信心,毕竟我总是不小心就买了一些即将流行的衣服.比如我上年买了很多件毛织品的衣服.lololololol

而两三年前呢,曾经一度流行绑包子头这种发行.那年我中三,依然是个叛逆的小孩.当时我当然也怕输所以也尝试了那种发型,可是我的头发真的很不争气,留到肩膀的长度就停留了.所以我的头发的长度绑不了包子头.

传说中的包子头正是如此.



照片源自google.

那些年还因为包子头而出现了很多道具,比如海面宝宝等等.我只买了一个黑色的塑胶东西,却从来没派上用场的机会.

那天天马行空突然想起上年去育华参加时事问答比赛的时候,我和一位风趣的朋友看见一位绑了包子头的女孩.那女孩头发应该至少有到半个背的长度,而且很厚,也没有剪layer. 所以她的包子非常的..... 结实? 还是厚重? 我不知道怎么形容,总之就是很完美,没有一点头发散出来,也不像短头发绑出来的包子,很小很容易散掉.

结果我们正在静静等待回家的时候,我旁边这位朋友就突然冒出一句:

苍蝇飞进去就出不来了.

这样说对那位背影很漂亮的女生而言应该不是个赞美,而且有点过分.可是我确实笑了.

对不起啦.可是我还觉得这句话太经点了.

# 6 - PLKN

今天去了chatime 一趟和小学同学相聚.在这里我决定很不要脸地承认这是我第一次去chatime. 而且ochado 等等等的名牌饮料以及餐厅我多数没去过.等等等当中包括sushi king.我的妈呀我等下要去钻洞了.

不过言归正转,我们今天就提起了PLKN 亦是我们的国民服务.我们五人当中只有一人被抽中,而且还是第二或第三批的人.说到这点,我就很random 地说了一句:

如果你不想去的话,你就去喝三杯咖啡后去检查你的心跳.心跳不规律不用去的.三杯不行的话你可以喝五杯.hahahahaha

结果大家应该是被我取悦了.如果没有的话,至少我觉得我被自己取悦了.hahahahahaha

话说回来,喝咖啡后去检查这件事纯粹只是笑话,请务必别当真.我不想背负教唆他人犯罪的罪名.被抽中国民服务的人请乖乖认命,既然上天安排了你被抽中必定有它的原因.在国民服务里,你必定能得到另一番体会.

祝营中的朋友们一切顺利,将会去国民服务的人,也一切安好.活在当下最重要,享受你所拥有的.

下次见.希望大家阅读愉快,不愉快也至少勉强笑一笑.

搞笑行动 #1 - #4

最近开始工作了,生活多了很多新鲜事.

这些日子也累计了不少有趣的经验,所以想说在部落格分享一下.

#1阿飘

那天同学们要我说一些阿飘的故事.基本上我的阿飘经历不多,而且我对自己会产生错觉这回事一点都不出奇,所以没有特别想分享的阿飘故事.当他们热烈地讨论着这个话题时,我刚好联想到了他们之前在争论阿飘是用飘的还是走的.所以我就灵机一动说了一句:

我看见阿飘去买鞋.

结果同学们笑我说烂gag....
其实我每次都很认真的说笑啊,只是为什么都只有我觉得好笑. :(
我希望自己有那么一点能力让人快乐,至少让我在乎的人快乐.至少我希望你能快乐.

#2小三

这件事情发生了有一段时间.但是我本人觉得还满好笑的所以不管新不新鲜我还是写出来了.

事情就是这样,我有这么一位朋友正在考虑换电话.他称呼他的电话为老婆,他的朋友们竟让称它为.....

小可爱. lolololololololol.

可是最近小可爱出状况了,萤幕开始失灵,没有touch 也有反应了.因此他就考虑换电话了.而他身边有很多朋友都在用S3.所以我的朋友就开始精神出轨了.他开始嫌弃他的老婆,一直批评他的老婆,甚至!!!

爱上小三了. 传说中的小三,就是S3.

小三=S3, S3=小三. 你们当中多少人遇上小三了?

#3耳机

我有两个耳机,一个是电话的,一个是电脑的.最近耳机之神不太眷顾我.

在一天意外之下,我好像把电话的耳机一扯,就把其中的变的耳筒的外壳扯开了.而且我当时没发现,是事后再次需要耳机时才发现的.发生这种事... 我就只好把壳子当每一回事地盖回去了.虽然我用的时候一直担心会被电到.

我以为耳机恶运会告一段落,结果昨晚我在上网听听歌时,调整了一会耳机,因为耳机在我头上,不在我视线范围内,所以我也不清楚是怎么一回事.当我再一次调整时,其中一遍地耳筒和把它和另一个耳筒链接的铁分开了.

然后我只好用手拿着耳机听歌了.T__T

今天和朋友聊着聊着就说到了我的耳机.我大概描述了耳机的情况后,最后附上了一句:

他们分手了.

然后我们竟然开始为耳机创造了剧情.

友:  依然爱着对方，却被逼分离的痛. 

我:没有爱啦

友:也依然听见对方的心房

我:ehhh 搞不好他们断掉是为了拥抱对方.之前虽然attached 但是一直有距离.

最后我还说了一句:

他们搞不好其实一直在骂我为什么老是要他们拥抱我的耳朵.

我在想我的生活到底是有多沉闷,闷得我竟然为耳机制造drama.

********************************************************************

2012年我在幸福的包围下结束了.
可惜幸福似乎从来不是属于我的.
幸福总是来了一会来到了高峰后,
在我开始松懈以后就开始离开了.

即使是兼职,我还是对我自己有要求.我也想在工作里表现.我不希望大家一起做工,大部分的工作却在某一个人身上而我游手好闲.

我不喜欢看见自己在乎的人不快乐,因为你们的快乐就是我快乐的理由.你们的一声叹气可能就让我的心碎落满地.友情也是,亲情也是.

我想我真的很努力,所以请不要让我的努力徒劳无功.