Another lonely night. Surrounded by darkness and assignments.

I can't hold it anymore.

These days have been really dark and tough. There were so much going on. I can only say that this year will be the worst year I had in my life. I am not sure if it ever gets better, or it may get worse.

I can't tell how lost I am now.
I get tired of assignments after been through so many of them.
I get tired of taking responsibility that I don't even should.
I get tired of changing myself to make people happy.
I get tired of holding back my word just to avoid fights.

I sometimes wonder is it good that I know a little more than some people. It makes me have no one to depend on. I wish to have somebody to tell me what to do or have someone to do something for me. I get tired of taking so much responsibility, not only in studies. I hate myself for wanted to be so strong that I make my own life miserable. I have no way to go back how I used to be. And god does not allow me to be any weaker too.

Why would everything happened now happens.

Tell me how could I ever believe such a strong, kind, sweet lady deserve that. She is the strongest person I ever met in life. She worked hard, she gave up so much just to raise us up. Everything she did was just to give us something better.

And now I am not even sure if she ever get a chance to watch me graduate.

It breaks my heart to watch her getting more and more skinny. To listen her voice getting weaker and weaker. I hate that I would have to be the one to tell her the ugly truth when myself is hard to accept it too. I hate that I know what is really happening and I can't do anything.

I wish I can take the pain away.

I can't accept the fact that few months ago she would still yelled at me and now she gets tired simply talking to me. How can everything change so drastically.

If I pray that she don't leave us so soon, will god ever heard it.

Assignments. I have nothing much to say but I am exhausted with it. I can't force myself to do anymore after staying up late for countless nights to do my assignment. No one to blame for this but I am tired.

I used to be only good in studies and now I ruined it too. I am good in nothing now. Useless and meaningless is all I can say about myself now.

I know I am not alone. But there are sadness and darkness that they can't help.

All I can do now is to hold a little longer, stay a little stronger, waiting for the savior, to save me from my darkness.

There is no point to put a title when the post is meaningless.

I am drown in darkness once again. I realized that it happen to me so often. Perhaps I am just weak in it.

Why am I drowning again. I have no idea. I doubt if I ever walked away from the darkness. It has been so long. I don't even see why am I drowning anymore. I can't' tell why. I have no idea why am I feeling sad but sometimes I am just so sad that I wanted to cry.

But my ego does not let me. I know I can cry when there is no one, but if I cried, I would laugh at myself too. I am so used to being judge that I start judging myself too. Keeping everything to myself. Until I have nightmare even it is a 30mins nap. Woke up feeling scared and cried. Finally a reason to cry.

I just feel so tired. Mentally. I am being controlled by emotion. 

Do you understanding how bad could it be. When you are alone. feeling anxious. Seeking for something that you don't even know what is it. There is no noise but all you feel is just noisy and messing.

I need help too.